Evolution Jokes and Humor about Evolutionists Darwinism

Whenever I hear people talking about evolution and where life came from it always makes me laugh.  You would think that as people became smarter they would also become more logical.  Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way.

Things that are extremely complicated are always designed that way. Even simple objects like rocks are impossible to explain. It is like saying that the space shuttle happened by accident. However, as long as people want to be stupid, we are here to make fun of them.  Now on to the jokes.

One day a animal researcher noticed that a gorilla was reading two books. One was the Bible and the other was Darwin’s The Origin of Species. He was surprised and asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books”?
“Well,” said the gorilla, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

One day a group of Darwinian scientists had a meeting and decided that man had come such a long way that he no longer needed God. So they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The Darwinian walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things on our own.”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest.” To which the Darwinian happily agreed.

God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The Darwinian said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!!!!”

A little girl asked her father: “Where did the human race come from?”

The father answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.’

A couple of days later the little girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, ‘Many years ago there were some monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

The confused girl returned to her father and said, ‘Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said we evolved from monkeys?’

The father answered, ‘Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.’

Philosophy Jokes – About Philosophy Degrees, Majors, Students and Philosophers

Philosophy Major and Philosopher jokes page.  Philosophy is a degree for the thinking man.  For the most part it makes a person think about why they have no money in their wallet or why they still sleep in a bed shaped like a race car in their parents home. As far as being able to think about and solve the problems in todays society… not so much.

America needs to create jobs, advance industry, increase productivity and become more competitive in the world economy. There are hundreds of great degrees that can help us in this endeavor. Philosophy is not one of those degrees.

If you are a girl and looking for a husband then philosophy is perhaps a good way to kill time while trolling the local bars. If you are a guy, keep in mind that one day you may actually get a date and if your date has low self esteem then she may want to marry you. I know it sounds unlikely but remember that we put a man on the moon in the 60’s so a philosophy major getting a date is not that far fetched. My point is this. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SUPPORT A FAMILY!! Get a real degree like Engineering, Economics, or Business Administration. Go on and get your MBA and go out into the world and grab a little piece of the American dream.

If you have already finished your Philosophy degree and are out of money for real college then why not try this? Sorry, I am drawing a blank.   I got nothing.  

Now on to the jokes.  Click here for our Philosophy Joke Video.

Did you hear about the Philosophy major who landed a great job and now has a successful career..? Exactly. Me neither.

What does a Philosophy Major and a Gay Hairdresser have in common? They live together.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher? An offer you can’t understand.

What is the difference between a Jehovahs Witness and a Philosophy Major? The Jehovahs Witness eventually leaves your house.

A Philosophy Major is about to go on his first date so he’s understandably nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy and his date go to a soda fountain. As their ice cream sodas are melting, they stare at each other, without knowing what to say. Just then, the boy comes up with the first question: “Do you like Waffles?” The girl replies “No,” and they were quite again.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, the boy continues with the second question: “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl replies “No” and they were engulfed in a cloud of silence again.

With no other alternative, the boy asks the girl the third question: “If you had a brother, would he like Waffles?”

What’s the difference between a Philosophy Major and a large Pepperoni pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.

A graduate with an Engineering degree asks , “How does it work?”

A graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

A graduate with a Law degree asks, “Is it Legal?”

A graduate with a Philosophy degree asks, “Would you like Fries and a Coke with that?”

What’s the difference between a Philosophy Degree and a bench? A bench can support a family.

According to a recent survey, most colleges are now recommending that Philosophy majors also get a degree in Applied Homelessness.

Whats the difference between a Philosopher and a School Teacher? About $35,000 per year.

Whats the difference between a Philosopher and a Pharmacist? About $100,000 per year.

Whats the difference between a Philosopher and a Homeless person? A homeless person doesn’t live with their parents.

How do you get a Philosophy major off your front porch? Pay for the Pizza.

A philosophy major was job hunting and went here, there and everywhere in his search for a job, but in vain. Having run out of options, he swallowed his pride and took up the offer of playing a bear in a costume at a carnival. He was locked up in a cage, where he was supposed to imitate various bear-like movements to entertain visitors.

To his horror, another bear appeared in the cage and started approaching him. He panicked and was on the brink of collapse when the bear said: “Don’t be afraid. I am a philosophy major also.”

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final examination. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, “Using every thing you’ve learned in this course to prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST.”

Students diligently put their pencils and pens to work creating volumes of text proving that this chair doesn’t exist. All except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final to the teacher. This astonishes his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades…and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

He wrote “What chair?”

Bubba and Buster, decide that they will go to college. Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and philosophy.

“What’s philosophy?” says Bubba.

The professor answers “It is the study of logic.”

“Whats logic?”, asks Bubba.

“Well, let me give you an example,” says the professor. “Do you own a tractor?”

“Sure do,” says Bubba.

“Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard.”

“That’s real good,” says Bubba, in awe.

“Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?”

“Amazing!” says Bubba.

“And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?”

“That would be Bobby Jo! This is incredible!”

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?”

“You are absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinating thing I have ever heard of. I can’t wait to take this philosophy class!”

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Buster is waiting.

“So what classes are you taking?” says Buster.

“Math, history and philosophy,” says Bubba.

“What in the world is philosophy?”

“Let me give you an example,” says Bubba. “Do you own a tractor?”


“Then you’re gay.”

Have you heard about the philosophers who died during a picnic?
They began to discuss the meal and starved to death.

The Dean of a college walks into the science department and says, “Why do I always have to give you people so much money for laboratories, and expensive equipment.? Why can’t you be more like the math department – all they need is pencils, paper, and waste-paper baskets. Or better yet, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper.”

College Rules –
Don’t LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don’t TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don’t SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don’t TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don’t LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Philosopher. Philosopher who?  I’m sorry.  I meant to say Paper Boy.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Lets think about that. First, define light. Also, who says the light bulb needs to be changed? Also, why is light superior to darkness? And tell me, how do we know that we are even here? Isn’t this reality that we see just a misguided frame of reference with the light bulb being our reason for existence. And in its absence do we not truly discover what it means to exist. ANSWER – shoot all the Philosophers and call a plumber.

A woman is told by her doctor that she has six months to live. “Is there anything I can do?” asks the woman?
”Well,” the doctor replies. “You could marry a Philosophy Major.”
”How in the world will that help my illness” the woman asks.
”Oh, it won’t help,” says the doctor, “but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!”

Bruce and Jason, two gay philosophers, are camping together when Bruce asks Jason a question.
“Jason,” he says, look up in the sky and tell me what you see.
Jason replies, “I see millions of stars Bruce”
“And what do you conclude from that?” asks Bruce.
Jason thinks for a moment and says, “astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Philosophically, I see that we are small and insignificant in a vast world. What does it tell you, Bruce?”
”Jason, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist philosopher? He did not believe in dog.

What is the first major decision that a Philosophy Major and his new wife must make? Whose parents to live with.

More Philosophy Jokes – Degrees, Majors, Students and Philosophers Volume 2

I apologize, but we have more jokes about philosophy majors.  I know that is it already difficult enough what with having to live with your parents and all but these jokes are just meant to make you laugh at yourself like we do already.  Anyway, here are the jokes.

Philosophy Student 1 – I just read where 40% of Philosophy Graduates have trouble finding a job.
Philosophy Student 2 – Oh, really. How about the other 70%?

Two philosophy students were traveling on a jet from Chicago to San Diego. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announces that they had lost an engine.  He announced that they were not worry since there were three engines left.   It would just take 8 hours to arrive in San Diego instead of 6.

An hour later, the pilot announced that a second engine had failed, but that they still had two left, and it would now take 10 hours to get to San Diego.

Later, the pilot came on the intercom once more and announced that a third engine had died. Don’t worry, he said.  The plane could fly on a single engine.   It would, however, now take 16 hours to get to San Diego.

At this point, one philosophy student turned to the other and said, “I really hope we don’t lose that last engine.  We would be up here forever!”

The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They’re both wrong.

Guy – I am in love with a philosophy major but she doesn’t even know that I exist. And whats worse is that I think she can prove it.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Philosophy major.

Philosophy major who?

Well, there are many ways to answer that…

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.


A renowned philosopher was driven from place to place making speeches.  His chauffeur was a quick witted man who carefully listened to every speech his boss made.  He was amazed that people would actually pay to listen to the philosopher.

One day the driver approached the philosopher and said that he could do every bit as good of a job giving speeches and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture. The philosopher agreed.  During the speech part of the presentation, the driver handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, “Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?”

“That is an extremely simple question,” he responded. “So simple, in fact, that I will let my chauffeur answer it.

A philosopher went into a cave for 5 years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he met a colleague, who asked him where in the world he had been all those years.
“In a cave,” he replied. “I wanted to know what life really is.”
“And have you found an answer?” said his colleague.
“Yes,” he replied. “I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a tunnel.”
“That’s all well and good,” replied the colleague, “but can you be a little more clear? Can you tell me how life is like a tunnel?”
“Oh,” replied the philosopher after some thought, “maybe you’re right; perhaps life is not like a tunnel.”

A philosophy major graduated from college and his family was so proud of him.

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

Mean Things to Say to Yankees, Northerners and New Englanders – Jokes or Pranks

Snappy comebacks, mean comments and jokes and pranks to pull or not to pull on your Yankee and Northerner Neighbors.

Lets say a Yankee moves into your neighborhood.  I know it’s a horrible thought but statisticians estimate that 30% of southerners will be faced with this situation in their lifetimes.  Staying away from South Florida will help but is no guarantee that you will avoid what researchers call a northern episode.   If you are one of these unlucky people then be prepared for a few changes in your life.

First, your property value is going to go down by at least 10%.  15% if the Yankee is from New Jersey or Massachusetts.  This is going to keep you from being able to move which is the very thing people want to do when a Yankee or New Englander comes to town.

Second, you are going to need to have an attorney on retainer because sooner or later the Yankee is going to sue someone. And you have to face the fact that it might be you.

Third,  you are going to need to begin some anger management therapy.  It’s good to go ahead and start even before they move in.  This can reduce the need for the attorney that you have on retainer.

Fourth, you are going to need to find ways to boost your self esteem.  Anti depressants are good.  Also, if your anger management therapist also does self esteem counseling you may be able to kill two birds with one stone.

If you have children then just expect their vocabulary to increase.  Mostly with four letter words but often with offensive phrases that involve family members.  Moving private school kids back into public school will at least get them ready and reduce the shock.  The money you save can then be used for therapy and attorney fees.

Getting rid of the Yankee will actually solve all of these problems at one time.  Much like a rat, they will tend to leave places that are hostile and congregate in areas that are hospitable.  We have created a list of insulting things that you can say to them to make their stay in your neighborhood as uncomfortable as possible.  Keep in mind that you are trying to help them because you care.  I know this sounds strange but if you can get them to a place where they are welcome they will be happier.   Why do you think we built trailer park villages in South Florida.  You don’t think Floridians ever intended to live in trailers did you?

Here are some things to say:

Sir, I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it is really working!

I know that you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

You must have a very low opinion of people if you think they are your equals.

If you don’t want to give people a bad name, you should have your children illegitimately.

It’s sad that you will never be the man that your mother was.  (works on yankee men and women)

I don’t think you are an idiot. But then again what’s MY opinion against thousands of others?

You must have been born on the highway because that is where most accidents happen.

I heard that opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and honest.

There are only a few people in this world that I find totally obnoxious and you are all of them.

Your great at everything you do.  And all you do it make people hate you.

Don’t try being artificial. You want people to hate you for who you are.

A neighbor told me that you had a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I wanted to see if you would like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I can arrange it with the undertaker.

If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid.

They say that two heads are better than one. However, that is only true if your head is not one of them.

If you were twice as good looking, you’d still be ugly.

I admire your courage. I’ve never brave enough to be a liar and a thief.

Telling you that you are stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

You were on my mind all day long. I was at the zoo.

I don’t hold your bad behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma when your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

I’d love to help you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I’ll never forget the first time I met you. – But I’ll keep trying.

I scolded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like an idiot.

Are you an organ donor.  Because if I ever need a brain transplant, I would like yours.  I would want a brain that has never been used.

Is it true that your birth certificate is actually an apology letter from a condom factory?

You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.

Don’t you understand that there are plenty of people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?

I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

Would you like for people to accept you as you are or do you want them to
like you?

I think it is great that you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

I hear when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the mafia wanted too much.

I used to think that you were a huge pain in the neck. But now I have a much lower opinion of you.

If you really want to know about mistakes you should ask your parents.

Your mother and father hated you so much they painted an iron and a toaster bright yellow and told you they were bath toys.

You are so ugly when you were born the doctor said I’m gonna drop it, if it falls it’s a rat, if it flies it’s a bat.

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!

Mean Things to Do to Yankees, Northerners and New Englander Neighbors – Practical Jokes and Pranks

Practical Jokes and pranks to pull on Yankee and Northerner Neighbors. 

In our previous article we went through the nightmare scenario of having a Yankee move into your neighborhood.  This is especially problematic in suburban environments but can be an issue even in rural or farm areas.  For farms you just want to make sure you hide the sheep.

In neighborhoods you are going need to deal with this situation swiftly before the property appraiser does a reassessment.  The goal is to have the Yankee either move back up north or to a holding area in Southern Florida where they can live out the rest of their life in peace among their own kind. 

Here are some simple things you can do to a Northerner that are guaranteed to send them packing.  Note – harassment or damaging someones property is obviously illegal and can get you into trouble.  Remember that Yankees love to sue people. (Disclaimer – these are meant to be jokes to read and laugh at only.)

Attend services at your local Mormon, Seventh Day Adventist and Jehovahs Witnesses Churches. Fill out a visitors card with your Yankee neighbors name, address and telephone number.  Yankees start out angry but a few friendly visits from your local cults should drive them over the edge.

Place an ad on craigslist and your local free paper advertising a 1972 Cadillac Bonneville with 20 inch rims and two tone metallic purple paint.  Runs like new. The price would be $900 obo. The phone number would, of course, be your Yankee neighbors.  A few calls each hour from prospective buyers should make your neighbor go ballistic.

Take a childs toy that makes electronic sounds and pull out the electronics.  Wrap them up and activate the noise so it plays continuously.  Throw it either into the bushes or on the roof near your Yankee neighbors bedroom window.  It should slowly drive them out of their mind.

Get out your local paper and also go to craigslist and buy every rabbit that you can find.  Keep your price per rabbit to about $6-$8.  Purchase as many as you can and let them out in your Yankee neighbors front yard.  Then throw carrots and rabbit food into their yard each night.  The rabbits will for the most part be unseen in the day but will come out at night.  Yankees hate anything cuddly and cute so it will drive them crazy and they will not know where the rabbits came from.  Now, call animal control and complain.

Take a photograph of your Yankee neighbors house and place yet another ad on craigslist in the room for rent section.  Make it a pay by the week plan and keep the price low.  Utilities and wireless internet included.  Put the address and say that prospects can come by anytime.  Remember, discrimination is illegal so make sure to include all nationalities.

Go to a local hunting store and purchase skunk oil.  What you do with it is your business not mine.

I have heard of people placing small blocks of wood behind peoples tires.  When they go to back out of their driveway the car does not move.  Drives them crazy.

Tossing bread crumbs and bird seed in their front yard will attract tons of birds but will be mostly invisible to the neighbor.  They will just see the birds.  Nuts will also attract squirrels.  This will drive some Yankees crazy but may possibly amuse others.  Worth a try.

Whatever you do.  Do not make a German Swastika in their yard using Round Up.  That would be illegal.

You can put Vaseline on door knobs and car doors.  This is especially cruel when the person is coming home drunk which many Yankees do as they try to drown their personalities.

Make them a batch of caramel covered onions.  They will look just like apples but with quite a different taste.

Sprinkle garlic powder in their shoes.  They will be brushing their teeth for a week trying to freshen their breath.

 Adjust their sprinklers so that they hit the windows of the house.  Simple but effective.

A simple ad in the craigslist personal section can be very effective.  Your Yankee neighbor will enjoy the phone calls from prospective dates.  But be careful.  It may make them stay longer.

Tie string across their driveway or across the street.  This is very harmless but seems to drive people crazy.  I don’t know why. 

Tie a string to a realistic looking stuffed animal.  Place the animal on the other side of the street with you hiding across the street.  When your neighbor comes down the street pull the stuffed animal into their path.  You can even put a water balloon filled with fake blood inside the animal for a cool effect.

Whatever you do.  Do NOT take a garbage can 3/4 full of water an lean it against your Yankee neighbors front door.  Then do not knock on that door at midnight.

Collect all the garage door openers that you find.  Each night, set the switches to different setting and try them on your Yankee neighbors garage door.  You will eventually get a match.  Once you do just open their door at 3 am each morning.  They won’t know whether they left it open or what. 

At 2 am load up their front yard with furniture, boxes of cloths, toys, household goods, etc..  Then put some garage sale signs out.

Don’t purchase live mice at your local pet store and do not put them anywhere near a Yankees house or car.   This would really freak someone out.

Purchase a fake but realistic rubber snake.  Toss the snake on your neighbors front porch.  When they come out to get the paper won’t they be surprised.  They will just laugh and laugh.


More Pranks and Practical Jokes to Pull on Yankee Neighbors

Top 10 Best Pranks and Practical Jokes to pull on Yankee and New Englander neighbors.

Some Yankees are tough.  They grow up in the midst of crime and corruption.  Oftentimes a few pranks are not going to be enough to make them leave town.  That is why we have started Volume 2 of our mean things to do to Yankees.  Once they are back with their own kind they will thank you for taking the time to help them. 

Note – harassment or damaging someones property is obviously illegal and can get you into trouble.  Remember that Yankees love to sue people. (Disclaimer – these are meant to be jokes to read and laugh at only.)

Take an old suitcase and fill it full of stacks of paper that has been cut to the exact size of dollar bills.  Now, take real dollar bills and make them the first bill in each stack.  Lay this next to your Yankee neighbors car.  Now take some baggies of powdered sugar and lay a couple near the case.

Go to a pet shop and buy a nice dog collar and leash. Then, the next time you see a dead dog in the road, attach the leash and collar to the dead animals neck.  Attach the whole thing to your Yankee neighbors rear bumper, making sure to toss dead animal under the car so it won’t be seen. When the Yankee drives away, they will most likely be stopped by either a cop, a concerned citizen or a member of PETA. Either way, they are going to have lots to talk about.

Find a large number of magazines of every conceivable type and clip every coupon for a catalog, trial product and free information. Fill out the request using your Yankee neighbors address and send them off. Your Northern friend should be deluged with junk mail. With email spam you simply change your email address but with junk mail you have to. Thats right! MOVE.

Here is a good one. Most stores have anti shoplifting systems that normally consist of a little plastic sticker or chip that is adhered to the product being protected. Libraries also have these in books. I have heard of people peeling off the security stickers or chips and then placing them in the clothing or basket of Yankees at the store. When they leave, the security system will go off, which will cause security to stop the Yankee, which in turn annoys the Yankee, which in turn creates a big scene which is common with Yankees. Well, you get the picture.

Here is some scientific information for you. Dry ice mixed with hot water can create tons of fog or smoke. For example, dry ice put in a hot tub will make the tub smoke. Dry ice placed in a bucket of hot water under a car would make smoke come out from under the car. I am going to let you take it from here.

Did you know that you can spell words with Rye Grass seed and it comes up in just a few days. It is also very difficult to remove until summer comes. The words will not be visible until a few days after the rye grass is applied. Makes Yankees very happy.

If your Yankee neighbor goes out of town and happens to have a pool you would not want to siphon the water out with hose. Because that would make them think their pool was leaking.

Be careful not to turn off your neighbors gas in the middle of a very cold night. That would mean that their hot water heater and heat to the house would shut down. They would wake up freezing and madder than a hive full of gay hornets.

Here’s something fun that will make your Yankee or New Englander neighbor feel more at home. On one of those rare nights when it drops into the teens in the south just rig up a hose and aim it right at the roof of your northern neighbors car. By morning the car should be just one big ice cube with no way to get in until it thaws. Make sure to use their water and use an old hose that you don’t mind losing. If you have two yankee neighbors just use the others water and hose. A yankee feud can be quite entertaining.

Jokes about Calvinism, Calvinists, Predestination – Jokes Humor

According to Calvinists, your eternal destiny is predestined and not your choice.    You are either going to heaven or hell and there is nothing you can do about it.  The good news is that Calvinism is not true.  Salvation is available to anyone who will believe.  God has chosen you.  The question is will you choose him.

You may ask, why do we have Calvinist jokes on a Yankee Joke site?  Simple.  Calvinists and Yankees have a lot in common. 

First, they believe they are superior to others. They believe they are blessed and you are not.  That they are favored and you are not.  They are intelligent and you are not.

Second, they are arrogant and argumentative. They love to debate you.  They are not interested in you becoming a Christian but are instead interested in converting you to Calvinism.

Third, they love the idea that others are excluded and they are included. That is why they call themselves the Elect.  They parade their election not to save others but to flaunt their lofty status. 

Real Christians are more like southerners.  Kind, honest and humble.  Since we can’t change Calvinists, let’s at least make fun of them.  Now on to the jokes.  Click here for our Calvinism Joke Cartoon.

Before I start I wanted to let you know about a new Calvinist dating site. No need to sign up. Your dates are already selected and you should be getting a phone call soon.  

Did you hear about the Calvinist scoreboard manufacturer?  Their scoreboard posts the final score at the beginning of the game.

What do you call a Calvinist who has stopped taking his medication? A Universalist.

What do you call a Universalist with anger issues? A Calvinist.

Why do Calvinists make great telemarketers? Because they love to tell people they have been pre-qualified.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?  None.  It was defective from the beginning and predestined to go out.

Why do Calvinists avoid taxi cabs? Because the driver makes them tell him where they want to go.

Why do Calvinists prefer subways and trains? Because the destinations are all pre-determined.

Why should you choose a Calvinist Realtor? Because they do not believe in a “Great Commission”.

Why do Calvinists have so many kids.  Well.  If you were married to a Calvinist wouldn’t you want someone else to talk to?

Why do Calvinists treat their wives like garbage? They figure that anybody that is stupid enough to marry them deserves no better.

There has been some progress made in protecting Calvinists against discrimination. Massachusetts has just passed a law that states that when two Calvinists are divorced they are still cousins.

Did you hear about the elderly Calvinist lady that fell down a flight of stairs?  She said, “Thank goodness that’s over with”.

Definition of confusion. A Calvinist suicide hotline.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? Well, the Calvinists first have to debate whether it is a violation of providence to change a light bulb because maybe it is meant to be dark.  They also have to debate whether one of the elect should stoop so low as to perform manual labor.  In the mean time a Southern Baptist changes the bulb.

A Calvinist father, believing in predestination, put out three objects on the dining room table in preparation for his son’s arrival home from school.

The first object was a stack of $20 bills. “That represents capitalism. If he takes this, he’s going into business.” says the father.

The second object was a Bible. “If he takes this, he’ll be a man of the cloth.”

The third object was a bottle of cheap whiskey. “If he takes this, he’ll be a drunkard!”

The father and his wife then hid where they could see their son’s approach. Soon, the son entered the room and examined each item briefly. He then checked to make sure that he was alone. Not seeing anyone, he stuffed the money in his pocket, put the Bible under his arm, and strolled out of the room drinking the whiskey. The father looked at his wife and beamed, “Well what do you know! He’s going to be an attorney!!”

Why do Calvinists do so poorly on College tests?  They can’t handle multiple choice questions.

Why do Calvinists hate McDonalds?  Too many choices.

What do you call a Calvinist missionary? A figment of your imagination.

How do you confuse a Calvinist?  Take him to a buffet and tell him to get whatever he wants.

What do you call a Baptist with half a brain? A Calvinist.

Why do Calvinist make good audiences at magic shows? Because they will believe anything.

How many Calvinists does it take to screw in a light bulb? It depends on how many are needed to get all the unbelievers out of the room, for only the Elect are given the Light.

What is the difference between a Calvinist and a Terrorist? You can reason with a terrorist.

Calvinist Dictionary

All: The elect.

Everyone: The elect.

Kosmos: Greek word that means “The elect”.

Whosoever: The elect.

World: The elect.

Why did the Calvinist marry a girl named Grace. He found her irresistible.

Why do Calvinists love Facebook so much? Because you can’t get access unless you’re chosen.

A Baptist Man, a Pentecostal Woman, and a Calvinist all die and get to the gates of Heaven.

Peter tells them, “You’ve all done well, but to get into Heaven I am going to need to interview each of you in private to make sure your qualified.”

At this point the Baptist and Pentecostal are sweating bullets. Peter chooses the Baptist to go first. So, they go into a small room and are in there for 6 hours. The Pentecostal lady knows that if the Baptist man is having this hard of a time she really must be in trouble. Finally, after the six hours, the Baptist comes out and goes “Whew, I made it.”

Still, nervous the Pentecostal Lady takes her turn and goes in. After 12 hours the Baptist Guy was starting to wonder if she would pass, but sure enough she comes out and says “Whew, I made it.”

The Calvinist confidently walks into the room and shuts the door behind him. He’s in there for over 24 hours and the Pentecostal and Baptist are really starting to wonder what the heck is going on.

Finally, St. Peter comes out and says, “Whew, I made it!”

See Sarah Palin interviewed by Larry King about Calvinism – CLICK HERE

What do you call a Presbyterian drinking Mountain Dew? A Hyper-Calvinist

So Bill dies and goes to heaven and St. Peter is giving him the tour.

They walk by this group of people hanging out with the Virgin Mary and a couple of saints. “Who’s that?” asks Bill.

“Oh, that’s the Catholics.” St. Peter tells him.

The continue walking and pass another group of people who are rolling on the ground and speaking in tongues. “Who’s that?” asks Bill.

“Oh, that’s the Pentecostals.” St. Peter tells him.

Then they come across to a huge mansion and St. Peter makes Bill duck down and sneak very quietly beneath the windows and then they continue walking. “Who’s in there??” Bill asks.

“Oh,” says St. Peter. “That’s the Calvinists, they think they’re the only ones here.”

All Calvinists are part of the Elect. What are the odds of that? All Calvinists claim that all of their children are also part of the elect. What are the chances of that?   If you were a Calvinist kid wouldn’t it stink to find out you were adopted?

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? Calvinist answer – Change? What is that?

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness and a Calvinist? Someone who loves to knock on doors, but then doesn’t know what to say.

Did you hear about the Calvinist who rode in an elevator all day? He felt he had no right to choose a floor so he just went wherever it took him.

What do you call a Christian whose business takes off and makes him wealthy. A Calvinist and one of the Elect.

What do you call a bankrupt Christian? A former Calvinist.

A Calvinist and another man are sitting at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. The man turns to the Calvinist and says “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, providence will carry you around the building and back into a window”. The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The Calvinist says, “I would have to see that to believe it”. “Its true,” the man says. “Let me prove it to you.” He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. He nears the 10th floor and sure enough providence carries him around the building and back into the 10th floor window where he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the Calvinist, who looks quite astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.” “No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, around the 10th floor he is once again carried around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges the Calvinist to try it.

“Well, why not.” the Calvinist says, “I am a fan of providence, so I’ll try it.” He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to his assistant and says, “Superman sure does hate Calvinists”.

Why do presidential campaigns make Calvinists so nervous? They like the idea of an election but just can’t get past the voting part.

Why are there so few children at Calvinist birthday parties? Because they refuse to send out invitations.

Why was the Calvinist held in contempt of court? Because he refused to be a witness.

Did you hear about the Calvinist television talk show host who went broke? His guests couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

A vicious dog attacks a boy and a man standing nearby rushes in, grabs the dog by the neck and kills it. A reporter standing nearby runs over and says to the man. You are a hero. The headlines will read local Methodist man save childs life by killing wild dog. The man says, I am not a Methodist. I am a Calvinist. In that case, the reporter says, the headline will read, “Lunatic kills family pet”.

A Calvinist dies and finds himself  at a crossroads where there are two signs pointing down two different roads. One says in big letters “Predestination Believers” and the other says “Free Will Believers”. Being a Calvinist and believing in predestination he takes the predestination road. He walks down the road and comes to a huge golden door with the word PREDESTINATION written above it. He knocks and an an angel opens the door and asks “what brings you to my door”? The Calvinist answers, “there were two signs and I chose the one that says predestination. The angel says, “You chose it?” “Well then, you can’t come in” And he slams the door shut. The Calvinist is crushed and walks back to crossroads where the two signs are. He goes down the free will road and comes to another huge gold door with the words FREE WILL written above it. Another angel opens the door and asks “What brings you to my door?” And the Calvinist says, “I had no choice !”

We recommend that you choose not to be a Calvinist. Of course if Calvinism is true then you really don’t have a choice. Or do you? Very Confusing.

How to Annoy a Northerner / Yankee

For generations true Americans have tried to rid their land of Yankees.   It has proven to be a difficult task.  During the time of the bubonic plague the cure was simply to take away things that made rats feel at home.  When they did this the rats left and the plague went away.  Getting rid of northerners works the same way.  Just make them a little uncomfortable and one by one they will go home.

  • Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If a northerner says “Civil War” just look confused.  Also, remember that we won that war.
  • Just exist. The very existence of other people seems to annoy them.
  • Put a Confederate Flag either in your yard, or on your truck.
  • Refer to Jefferson Davis as “Former President Jefferson Davis”.
  • Refer to EVERY soft drink as a Coke.  If they ask for a soda pretend you don’t know what that is.  Then say, “Oh you mean a Coke”.
  • When a Yankee starts to talk about how they miss the North, offer to buy them a one way ticket back.
  • Speak VERY slowly.  Also, ask them to speak slowly so you can understand them.  If they mispronounce a word ask them to spell it and then offer a correction.  They really appreciate it.
  • Take your time.  If you see one behind you in traffic just go the speed limit and wait for the horn and finger.
  • If you are up north, always make sure to ask for Grits.  They won’t know what you mean.  Then make a big deal out of it.
  • Talk loudly about NASCAR, truck pulls and SEC football.
  • Have them call you by your first AND middle name.  Example – Bobby Ray, Amy Jo, Lisa Ann.
  • Address them as “Yes Sir”, “No Sir” or “Yes Maam”, “No Maam”.  I am not sure why but they hate that.
  • When visiting the north, talk often about how mild the winters are where you live.
  • Name all your kids Bubba or Buddy.  Also, if you don’t know a yankees name just call him Buddy.
  • Bad mouth hockey.
  • Use terms like “Out Yonder”, “Ain’t”, “Fetch”, and “Fixin to”.
  • Tell them that you like their accent and the you wish you had one.
  • When they curse and are rude (which will happen), ask them what is really bothering them and offer to talk to them about.  The more sympathy you use the madder they will get.
  • Play “Sweet Home Alabama” loud and often.
  • Take them to see the movie “Deliverance” and then offer to take them camping.
  • If all else fails just call them a Yankee.  Never fails.

Yankee / Northerner Dictionary – Translating the Yankee Language into English

Ah: The letter in the Alphabet between Q and S.

Bah : A Place that serves alcoholic beverages.

Baya: Ferocious brown or black animal.

Beah: Malt alcoholic beverage.

Bahn: Place on a farm where hay is stored.

Baya Ahms: 2nd amendment.

Bzah: A strange or odd occurrence.

Caa: Also called an automobile.

Cahn: Yellow vegetable that comes on a cob.

Caamel: Candy center of many chocolate bars.

Chowdah: Soup made from Clams, milk, and buttah.

Connah: Where streets intersect.

Fah: Not near a persons current location.

Fahk: Used to east Pahster.

Fiah: The spontaneous combustion of wood or anything flammable.

Flowahs:  What they plant in gardens.

Gahden:  A place where flowahs are planted.

Hahbah: What they dumped tea into in 1773.

Hahd:  not soft.

Hahvaad: Preppy college in Boston.

Heah: What ears do.

Khakis: What you start a car with. Normally kept on a chain.

Lar Afface: A place where lawyers work.

Likkah: an alcoholic beverage.  “Hahd Likkah”

Nawtheastah: Storm that blows in from the wattah.

Owwah: Sixty consecutive minutes.

Pahk: Place to take the kids.  Also, something you do before leaving a car.

Pahster: Italian noodles like spaghetti, ziti, macaroni.

Pastah: The leader of a church.

Pichaas: Person in the game of baseball that throws to the batter.

Shuah: Another way to say yes.

Shot: Not tall.

Wof: A dock type structure.  Normally found in a Hahbah.

Wottah: Liquid also known as H2O.

Yeah: A 365 day period.

Yuut – A young person.