Mean Things to Say to Yankees, Northerners and New Englanders – Jokes or Pranks

Snappy comebacks, mean comments and jokes and pranks to pull or not to pull on your Yankee and Northerner Neighbors.

Lets say a Yankee moves into your neighborhood.  I know it’s a horrible thought but statisticians estimate that 30% of southerners will be faced with this situation in their lifetimes.  Staying away from South Florida will help but is no guarantee that you will avoid what researchers call a northern episode.   If you are one of these unlucky people then be prepared for a few changes in your life.

First, your property value is going to go down by at least 10%.  15% if the Yankee is from New Jersey or Massachusetts.  This is going to keep you from being able to move which is the very thing people want to do when a Yankee or New Englander comes to town.

Second, you are going to need to have an attorney on retainer because sooner or later the Yankee is going to sue someone. And you have to face the fact that it might be you.

Third,  you are going to need to begin some anger management therapy.  It’s good to go ahead and start even before they move in.  This can reduce the need for the attorney that you have on retainer.

Fourth, you are going to need to find ways to boost your self esteem.  Anti depressants are good.  Also, if your anger management therapist also does self esteem counseling you may be able to kill two birds with one stone.

If you have children then just expect their vocabulary to increase.  Mostly with four letter words but often with offensive phrases that involve family members.  Moving private school kids back into public school will at least get them ready and reduce the shock.  The money you save can then be used for therapy and attorney fees.

Getting rid of the Yankee will actually solve all of these problems at one time.  Much like a rat, they will tend to leave places that are hostile and congregate in areas that are hospitable.  We have created a list of insulting things that you can say to them to make their stay in your neighborhood as uncomfortable as possible.  Keep in mind that you are trying to help them because you care.  I know this sounds strange but if you can get them to a place where they are welcome they will be happier.   Why do you think we built trailer park villages in South Florida.  You don’t think Floridians ever intended to live in trailers did you?

Here are some things to say:

Sir, I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it is really working!

I know that you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

You must have a very low opinion of people if you think they are your equals.

If you don’t want to give people a bad name, you should have your children illegitimately.

It’s sad that you will never be the man that your mother was.  (works on yankee men and women)

I don’t think you are an idiot. But then again what’s MY opinion against thousands of others?

You must have been born on the highway because that is where most accidents happen.

I heard that opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and honest.

There are only a few people in this world that I find totally obnoxious and you are all of them.

Your great at everything you do.  And all you do it make people hate you.

Don’t try being artificial. You want people to hate you for who you are.

A neighbor told me that you had a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I wanted to see if you would like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I can arrange it with the undertaker.

If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid.

They say that two heads are better than one. However, that is only true if your head is not one of them.

If you were twice as good looking, you’d still be ugly.

I admire your courage. I’ve never brave enough to be a liar and a thief.

Telling you that you are stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

You were on my mind all day long. I was at the zoo.

I don’t hold your bad behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma when your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

I’d love to help you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I’ll never forget the first time I met you. – But I’ll keep trying.

I scolded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like an idiot.

Are you an organ donor.  Because if I ever need a brain transplant, I would like yours.  I would want a brain that has never been used.

Is it true that your birth certificate is actually an apology letter from a condom factory?

You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.

Don’t you understand that there are plenty of people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?

I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

Would you like for people to accept you as you are or do you want them to
like you?

I think it is great that you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

I hear when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the mafia wanted too much.

I used to think that you were a huge pain in the neck. But now I have a much lower opinion of you.

If you really want to know about mistakes you should ask your parents.

Your mother and father hated you so much they painted an iron and a toaster bright yellow and told you they were bath toys.

You are so ugly when you were born the doctor said I’m gonna drop it, if it falls it’s a rat, if it flies it’s a bat.

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!

Mean Things to Do to Yankees, Northerners and New Englander Neighbors – Practical Jokes and Pranks

Practical Jokes and pranks to pull on Yankee and Northerner Neighbors. 

In our previous article we went through the nightmare scenario of having a Yankee move into your neighborhood.  This is especially problematic in suburban environments but can be an issue even in rural or farm areas.  For farms you just want to make sure you hide the sheep.

In neighborhoods you are going need to deal with this situation swiftly before the property appraiser does a reassessment.  The goal is to have the Yankee either move back up north or to a holding area in Southern Florida where they can live out the rest of their life in peace among their own kind. 

Here are some simple things you can do to a Northerner that are guaranteed to send them packing.  Note – harassment or damaging someones property is obviously illegal and can get you into trouble.  Remember that Yankees love to sue people. (Disclaimer – these are meant to be jokes to read and laugh at only.)

Attend services at your local Mormon, Seventh Day Adventist and Jehovahs Witnesses Churches. Fill out a visitors card with your Yankee neighbors name, address and telephone number.  Yankees start out angry but a few friendly visits from your local cults should drive them over the edge.

Place an ad on craigslist and your local free paper advertising a 1972 Cadillac Bonneville with 20 inch rims and two tone metallic purple paint.  Runs like new. The price would be $900 obo. The phone number would, of course, be your Yankee neighbors.  A few calls each hour from prospective buyers should make your neighbor go ballistic.

Take a childs toy that makes electronic sounds and pull out the electronics.  Wrap them up and activate the noise so it plays continuously.  Throw it either into the bushes or on the roof near your Yankee neighbors bedroom window.  It should slowly drive them out of their mind.

Get out your local paper and also go to craigslist and buy every rabbit that you can find.  Keep your price per rabbit to about $6-$8.  Purchase as many as you can and let them out in your Yankee neighbors front yard.  Then throw carrots and rabbit food into their yard each night.  The rabbits will for the most part be unseen in the day but will come out at night.  Yankees hate anything cuddly and cute so it will drive them crazy and they will not know where the rabbits came from.  Now, call animal control and complain.

Take a photograph of your Yankee neighbors house and place yet another ad on craigslist in the room for rent section.  Make it a pay by the week plan and keep the price low.  Utilities and wireless internet included.  Put the address and say that prospects can come by anytime.  Remember, discrimination is illegal so make sure to include all nationalities.

Go to a local hunting store and purchase skunk oil.  What you do with it is your business not mine.

I have heard of people placing small blocks of wood behind peoples tires.  When they go to back out of their driveway the car does not move.  Drives them crazy.

Tossing bread crumbs and bird seed in their front yard will attract tons of birds but will be mostly invisible to the neighbor.  They will just see the birds.  Nuts will also attract squirrels.  This will drive some Yankees crazy but may possibly amuse others.  Worth a try.

Whatever you do.  Do not make a German Swastika in their yard using Round Up.  That would be illegal.

You can put Vaseline on door knobs and car doors.  This is especially cruel when the person is coming home drunk which many Yankees do as they try to drown their personalities.

Make them a batch of caramel covered onions.  They will look just like apples but with quite a different taste.

Sprinkle garlic powder in their shoes.  They will be brushing their teeth for a week trying to freshen their breath.

 Adjust their sprinklers so that they hit the windows of the house.  Simple but effective.

A simple ad in the craigslist personal section can be very effective.  Your Yankee neighbor will enjoy the phone calls from prospective dates.  But be careful.  It may make them stay longer.

Tie string across their driveway or across the street.  This is very harmless but seems to drive people crazy.  I don’t know why. 

Tie a string to a realistic looking stuffed animal.  Place the animal on the other side of the street with you hiding across the street.  When your neighbor comes down the street pull the stuffed animal into their path.  You can even put a water balloon filled with fake blood inside the animal for a cool effect.

Whatever you do.  Do NOT take a garbage can 3/4 full of water an lean it against your Yankee neighbors front door.  Then do not knock on that door at midnight.

Collect all the garage door openers that you find.  Each night, set the switches to different setting and try them on your Yankee neighbors garage door.  You will eventually get a match.  Once you do just open their door at 3 am each morning.  They won’t know whether they left it open or what. 

At 2 am load up their front yard with furniture, boxes of cloths, toys, household goods, etc..  Then put some garage sale signs out.

Don’t purchase live mice at your local pet store and do not put them anywhere near a Yankees house or car.   This would really freak someone out.

Purchase a fake but realistic rubber snake.  Toss the snake on your neighbors front porch.  When they come out to get the paper won’t they be surprised.  They will just laugh and laugh.


More Pranks and Practical Jokes to Pull on Yankee Neighbors

Top 10 Best Pranks and Practical Jokes to pull on Yankee and New Englander neighbors.

Some Yankees are tough.  They grow up in the midst of crime and corruption.  Oftentimes a few pranks are not going to be enough to make them leave town.  That is why we have started Volume 2 of our mean things to do to Yankees.  Once they are back with their own kind they will thank you for taking the time to help them. 

Note – harassment or damaging someones property is obviously illegal and can get you into trouble.  Remember that Yankees love to sue people. (Disclaimer – these are meant to be jokes to read and laugh at only.)

Take an old suitcase and fill it full of stacks of paper that has been cut to the exact size of dollar bills.  Now, take real dollar bills and make them the first bill in each stack.  Lay this next to your Yankee neighbors car.  Now take some baggies of powdered sugar and lay a couple near the case.

Go to a pet shop and buy a nice dog collar and leash. Then, the next time you see a dead dog in the road, attach the leash and collar to the dead animals neck.  Attach the whole thing to your Yankee neighbors rear bumper, making sure to toss dead animal under the car so it won’t be seen. When the Yankee drives away, they will most likely be stopped by either a cop, a concerned citizen or a member of PETA. Either way, they are going to have lots to talk about.

Find a large number of magazines of every conceivable type and clip every coupon for a catalog, trial product and free information. Fill out the request using your Yankee neighbors address and send them off. Your Northern friend should be deluged with junk mail. With email spam you simply change your email address but with junk mail you have to. Thats right! MOVE.

Here is a good one. Most stores have anti shoplifting systems that normally consist of a little plastic sticker or chip that is adhered to the product being protected. Libraries also have these in books. I have heard of people peeling off the security stickers or chips and then placing them in the clothing or basket of Yankees at the store. When they leave, the security system will go off, which will cause security to stop the Yankee, which in turn annoys the Yankee, which in turn creates a big scene which is common with Yankees. Well, you get the picture.

Here is some scientific information for you. Dry ice mixed with hot water can create tons of fog or smoke. For example, dry ice put in a hot tub will make the tub smoke. Dry ice placed in a bucket of hot water under a car would make smoke come out from under the car. I am going to let you take it from here.

Did you know that you can spell words with Rye Grass seed and it comes up in just a few days. It is also very difficult to remove until summer comes. The words will not be visible until a few days after the rye grass is applied. Makes Yankees very happy.

If your Yankee neighbor goes out of town and happens to have a pool you would not want to siphon the water out with hose. Because that would make them think their pool was leaking.

Be careful not to turn off your neighbors gas in the middle of a very cold night. That would mean that their hot water heater and heat to the house would shut down. They would wake up freezing and madder than a hive full of gay hornets.

Here’s something fun that will make your Yankee or New Englander neighbor feel more at home. On one of those rare nights when it drops into the teens in the south just rig up a hose and aim it right at the roof of your northern neighbors car. By morning the car should be just one big ice cube with no way to get in until it thaws. Make sure to use their water and use an old hose that you don’t mind losing. If you have two yankee neighbors just use the others water and hose. A yankee feud can be quite entertaining.

How to Annoy a Northerner / Yankee

For generations true Americans have tried to rid their land of Yankees.   It has proven to be a difficult task.  During the time of the bubonic plague the cure was simply to take away things that made rats feel at home.  When they did this the rats left and the plague went away.  Getting rid of northerners works the same way.  Just make them a little uncomfortable and one by one they will go home.

  • Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If a northerner says “Civil War” just look confused.  Also, remember that we won that war.
  • Just exist. The very existence of other people seems to annoy them.
  • Put a Confederate Flag either in your yard, or on your truck.
  • Refer to Jefferson Davis as “Former President Jefferson Davis”.
  • Refer to EVERY soft drink as a Coke.  If they ask for a soda pretend you don’t know what that is.  Then say, “Oh you mean a Coke”.
  • When a Yankee starts to talk about how they miss the North, offer to buy them a one way ticket back.
  • Speak VERY slowly.  Also, ask them to speak slowly so you can understand them.  If they mispronounce a word ask them to spell it and then offer a correction.  They really appreciate it.
  • Take your time.  If you see one behind you in traffic just go the speed limit and wait for the horn and finger.
  • If you are up north, always make sure to ask for Grits.  They won’t know what you mean.  Then make a big deal out of it.
  • Talk loudly about NASCAR, truck pulls and SEC football.
  • Have them call you by your first AND middle name.  Example – Bobby Ray, Amy Jo, Lisa Ann.
  • Address them as “Yes Sir”, “No Sir” or “Yes Maam”, “No Maam”.  I am not sure why but they hate that.
  • When visiting the north, talk often about how mild the winters are where you live.
  • Name all your kids Bubba or Buddy.  Also, if you don’t know a yankees name just call him Buddy.
  • Bad mouth hockey.
  • Use terms like “Out Yonder”, “Ain’t”, “Fetch”, and “Fixin to”.
  • Tell them that you like their accent and the you wish you had one.
  • When they curse and are rude (which will happen), ask them what is really bothering them and offer to talk to them about.  The more sympathy you use the madder they will get.
  • Play “Sweet Home Alabama” loud and often.
  • Take them to see the movie “Deliverance” and then offer to take them camping.
  • If all else fails just call them a Yankee.  Never fails.

Yankee / Northerner Dictionary – Translating the Yankee Language into English

Ah: The letter in the Alphabet between Q and S.

Bah : A Place that serves alcoholic beverages.

Baya: Ferocious brown or black animal.

Beah: Malt alcoholic beverage.

Bahn: Place on a farm where hay is stored.

Baya Ahms: 2nd amendment.

Bzah: A strange or odd occurrence.

Caa: Also called an automobile.

Cahn: Yellow vegetable that comes on a cob.

Caamel: Candy center of many chocolate bars.

Chowdah: Soup made from Clams, milk, and buttah.

Connah: Where streets intersect.

Fah: Not near a persons current location.

Fahk: Used to east Pahster.

Fiah: The spontaneous combustion of wood or anything flammable.

Flowahs:  What they plant in gardens.

Gahden:  A place where flowahs are planted.

Hahbah: What they dumped tea into in 1773.

Hahd:  not soft.

Hahvaad: Preppy college in Boston.

Heah: What ears do.

Khakis: What you start a car with. Normally kept on a chain.

Lar Afface: A place where lawyers work.

Likkah: an alcoholic beverage.  “Hahd Likkah”

Nawtheastah: Storm that blows in from the wattah.

Owwah: Sixty consecutive minutes.

Pahk: Place to take the kids.  Also, something you do before leaving a car.

Pahster: Italian noodles like spaghetti, ziti, macaroni.

Pastah: The leader of a church.

Pichaas: Person in the game of baseball that throws to the batter.

Shuah: Another way to say yes.

Shot: Not tall.

Wof: A dock type structure.  Normally found in a Hahbah.

Wottah: Liquid also known as H2O.

Yeah: A 365 day period.

Yuut – A young person.

Tips for Northerners Moving to the South

If you are a northerner you will inevitably want to someday move south to warmer weather and away from…  well you know what I mean.   Here are a few tips that will help you transition into southern ways.

First, you are going to need to get used to hearing proper english.  After hearing words pronounced incorrectly all your life you may feel like you are in a foreign country.  The letter “R” is used often in words so you will need to get used to that.  Just give it some time and you’ll be communicating just like a pro. 

Now being up north has probably made you very angry which is why you are so aggressive and rude.  Sort of like a bear coming out of hibernation.  We understand that down here in the south and are tolerant to a point.  I know your momma told you that politeness was a weakness but remember that your momma is a yankee.  If you get the idea that your aggressive, rude behavior may give you some type of competitive edge just remember that there are more guns than people in the south.  Plus plenty of wide open spaces to bury you.

Waving is a southern tradition.  Sort of like cursing is in the north.  When someone waves at you they are not indicating that they need assistance so you don’t need to ignore them.  Instead, wave back.  If you don’t you will be seen as rude in which case you should refer back to my point about the guns and wide open spaces.

When it comes to driving in icy conditions we concede that you have us beat.  This being said, if it does snow it is best if you stay off the roads.  We know you can drive on ice but you should know that we cannot.  If you do decide to drive make sure you keep a 12 pack of beer in your trunk.  This is not for you.  It is for the 2 guys that will be pulling you out of a ditch with their 4 wheel drive truck after an out of control southerner runs you off the road.  No need to help, just give them the beer and go on your merry way.

Speaking of the weather, if you live near the coast down here in the south you will no doubt be introduced to what we call a hurricane.   Southerners are known to wrestle live alligators and hunt wild hogs with just a bowie knife and a bandana.  In other words, they don’t scare easily.  I say this to drive home the point that if you see southerners evacuating then something bad is definately about to happen.  A hurricane is like a bad redneck marriage.  It is almost certain that someone’s going to lose a trailer.  After it is all over you will see a phenomenon that you have probably never seen in your life.  People helping other people for no reason at all.  Don’t worry, it is contagious but it won’t kill you. 

Before you head south, start saving bacon grease in a can.  There is no need to refrigerate it, just keep it under the sink.  When you arrive down south you will be instructed on how to use it.

We spoke a while ago about guns.  In the north only the mafia, cartel members and the police carry guns.  Down here we all have guns.  It is not unusual at all for a 10 year old boy to get a shotgun for his birthday.  We believe that gun control is when you use both hands to aim.  Keep this in mind the next time you get the urge to honk at the guy in front of you.

Now, a little more information about that bacon grease.  Up north grease is something that gets into pipes and requires a plumber to clean out.  Down here we cook with it.  It makes almost any dish taste better.  We add it to baked beans, collard greens, turnip greens, green beans, hash brown potatoes, fried eggs and so much more.  To be southern you have to cook southern and eat southern so just get used to it.   It will subtract about 10 years from your life but hey…  You’re a northerner.

Speaking of food, eating down south is going to be a little different for you.  We don’t eat scrod or lox.  Let me see if I can create a mental picture for you.  New Orleans is the center of the universe when it comes to good food.  Think of it as the sun.  As you move away from it the food gets worse and worse.  If you go to New Orleans and don’t like the food then living down south is not going to go well for you.  Also, we will fry and eat almost anything.  Frog legs, chickens, turkeys, pork chops, egg plant, okra, squash, seafood, onions, pickles, cheese and even ice cream.  What do we fry it in?  Grease.  We love grease.  How do we remove grease?  With soap of course.  Where does soap come from?  Grease.   That is sort of cool.  Kind of like the circle of life.

Don’t talk about how nice it is up north or how much you miss home.  You never hear Haitian boat people do that and neither should you.  Keep in mind that many of us have visited the north.  Why do you think we make fun of you?  Just enjoy your new found freedom.  We have everything you need here.  Fresh air, mild winters, plenty of waterfront and beaches, mountains, woodlands, streams, fishing, hiking, camping, sunshine and more.  Plus you can join us in making fun of yankees.  That is sort of the best part.

If you are a guy and lucky enough to have escaped the north at a young age you are going to want to know a little bit about southern girls.  They are not like northern girls. 

  • Tip Number One – you don’t have to pay them for a date.  Remember, you are in the south now. 
  • Tip Number Two – No cursing.  Remember, this is a southern girl, not your mother. 
  • Tip Number Three – Don’t tell her where you are from.  If you have to just say you are from Canada. 
  • Tip Number Four – a prenuptial agreement is useless.  Remember, she probably owns a gun and her father most likely has some acreage purchased for just such an event.


Definition of a Yankee or Northerner – What is a Yankee?

The term yankee or northerner refers to people who live in the northeastern part of the United States.  New Englander is another name for them but not often used due to its lack of offensiveness. Yankees do not include people west of Minnesota even though they are in the northern United States.

Besides participating in the war of northern aggression, yankees can be identified by a few distinct characteristics.  These are as follows:

Anger – Yankees seem to always be angry. They communicate this anger verbally through constant cursing but also non verbally using their car horn and middle finger. Northern anger is partly genetic due to inbreeding but it is also attributed to toxins found in both northern air, soil and water.   Some say that this aggression is from the cold weather but when a yankee is relocated to a warmer climate the condition does not seem to change leading scientists to conclude that the problem is genetic.  Pharmaceutical companies are currently developing medication for this condition but so far only alcohol seems to help.  To be effective, alcohol must be administered in large quantities to everyone except the yankee.  If given the other way around the problem just becomes worse.

Rudeness -If you see people holding the door open for others or saying thank you then you are either hallucinating or you are in the south.  Southerners are famous for good food and hospitality, Westerners are famous for their pioneer spirit, Californians are famous for being laid back and Northerners are famous for being rude.  If you want to be trampled at a concert, cut off in traffic, honked at, yelled at, cursed at, spit on, and ridiculed then just head north.  This trait is also the reason for the unmarked graves often found along southern roadways.

Omniscience –  In the north people are born knowing it all and die the same way.  Again, the only explanation is bad DNA.  Because they know everything they are the only ones that really need to talk.  In a conversation your only job is to nod your head and grunt.  Any attempt at talking on your part will be considered offensive to a yankee.  They truly want to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral. 

Arrogance – Possessing all knowledge inevitably leads to arrogance.   Here are some things that northerners have to be proud of – high crime rates, poverty, pollution, over crowded schools, illiteracy,  homelessness, and political corruption.

Greed – They say that life is all about give and take.  In the south we give.  In the north, they take.  While the south was busy inventing refrigeration the north was busy inventing white collar crime and toll roads.  Here are some facts – The 10 greediest states, starting from the bottom, were New Hampshire, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Connecticut, Minnesota, Colorado, Hawaii and Michigan.   The 10 most generous states were, in descending order, Mississippi, Arkansas, South Dakota, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, Utah, South Carolina and West Virginia. That pretty much says it all.

These are just a few characteristics that define a true Yankee.

Yankee Children Born in the South – The Truth about Yankee DNA

A frequently asked question is whether a child born in the south to a Yankee couple is officially a southerner.  The answer is NO.  Yankee DNA does not change merely because of a persons location when born.  If it did then yankees would be flying down by the thousands to have their children here. 

Here are the scientific facts:

If a child is born to yankee parents while they are in the south then that child is still a yankee. DNA testing has confirmed this over and over again. Gene therapy has been attempted but donors have been difficult to find so progress in this area has been limited.

If the child marries a southerner they  would have what we would call a mixed marriage.  If the child marries a yankee then they are right back where they started and have made no progress whatsoever.  This rarely happens since yankees hate each other even more than they hate southerners. It would be like eating at McDonalds when you live next to a 5 star restaurant.

Assuming the child of yankee parents marries a southerner, the children produced by that union would be eligible for full southern citizenship, but only under certain conditions.  First of all, the original grandparents (full blooded yankees) need to be either dead or living in a foreign country.  The reason for this is simple.  Genetically, this child is still 50% yankee and any northern influence at this point could tip the scales and create yet another yankee.   If you feel that the child needs grandparents then you may want to consider a surrogate program.  The National Organization of Surrogate Elderly or NOOSE has a great program that provides grandparents in situations like this.  The child will never know the difference and the results are phenomenal.

If two generations have passed and there has been no northern influence in a childs life then you should have yourself an honest to goodness southerner.  But wait.  There is no need to take any chances.  Observe the child and look for the following characteristics –

  • Holding a door open for strangers.
  • Letting a lady go first in line. (applies to men)
  • Waving at neighbors.
  • Respecting people of all races.
  • Treating others like they would want to be treated.
  • Literacy and a desire to go beyond the 10th grade.
  • Calm Even Temper. No sudden outbursts of cursing.
  • Love of family and country.
  • Love for the south and all it stands for.

If they exhibit all these characteristics then it is safe to say that your families heritage has been forever altered.  Congratulations.