Philosophy Jokes – About Philosophy Degrees, Majors, Students and Philosophers

Philosophy Major and Philosopher jokes page.  Philosophy is a degree for the thinking man.  For the most part it makes a person think about why they have no money in their wallet or why they still sleep in a bed shaped like a race car in their parents home. As far as being able to think about and solve the problems in todays society… not so much.

America needs to create jobs, advance industry, increase productivity and become more competitive in the world economy. There are hundreds of great degrees that can help us in this endeavor. Philosophy is not one of those degrees.

If you are a girl and looking for a husband then philosophy is perhaps a good way to kill time while trolling the local bars. If you are a guy, keep in mind that one day you may actually get a date and if your date has low self esteem then she may want to marry you. I know it sounds unlikely but remember that we put a man on the moon in the 60’s so a philosophy major getting a date is not that far fetched. My point is this. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SUPPORT A FAMILY!! Get a real degree like Engineering, Economics, or Business Administration. Go on and get your MBA and go out into the world and grab a little piece of the American dream.

If you have already finished your Philosophy degree and are out of money for real college then why not try this? Sorry, I am drawing a blank.   I got nothing.  

Now on to the jokes.  Click here for our Philosophy Joke Video.

Did you hear about the Philosophy major who landed a great job and now has a successful career..? Exactly. Me neither.

What does a Philosophy Major and a Gay Hairdresser have in common? They live together.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher? An offer you can’t understand.

What is the difference between a Jehovahs Witness and a Philosophy Major? The Jehovahs Witness eventually leaves your house.

A Philosophy Major is about to go on his first date so he’s understandably nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy and his date go to a soda fountain. As their ice cream sodas are melting, they stare at each other, without knowing what to say. Just then, the boy comes up with the first question: “Do you like Waffles?” The girl replies “No,” and they were quite again.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, the boy continues with the second question: “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl replies “No” and they were engulfed in a cloud of silence again.

With no other alternative, the boy asks the girl the third question: “If you had a brother, would he like Waffles?”

What’s the difference between a Philosophy Major and a large Pepperoni pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.

A graduate with an Engineering degree asks , “How does it work?”

A graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

A graduate with a Law degree asks, “Is it Legal?”

A graduate with a Philosophy degree asks, “Would you like Fries and a Coke with that?”

What’s the difference between a Philosophy Degree and a bench? A bench can support a family.

According to a recent survey, most colleges are now recommending that Philosophy majors also get a degree in Applied Homelessness.

Whats the difference between a Philosopher and a School Teacher? About $35,000 per year.

Whats the difference between a Philosopher and a Pharmacist? About $100,000 per year.

Whats the difference between a Philosopher and a Homeless person? A homeless person doesn’t live with their parents.

How do you get a Philosophy major off your front porch? Pay for the Pizza.

A philosophy major was job hunting and went here, there and everywhere in his search for a job, but in vain. Having run out of options, he swallowed his pride and took up the offer of playing a bear in a costume at a carnival. He was locked up in a cage, where he was supposed to imitate various bear-like movements to entertain visitors.

To his horror, another bear appeared in the cage and started approaching him. He panicked and was on the brink of collapse when the bear said: “Don’t be afraid. I am a philosophy major also.”

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final examination. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, “Using every thing you’ve learned in this course to prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST.”

Students diligently put their pencils and pens to work creating volumes of text proving that this chair doesn’t exist. All except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final to the teacher. This astonishes his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades…and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

He wrote “What chair?”

Bubba and Buster, decide that they will go to college. Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and philosophy.

“What’s philosophy?” says Bubba.

The professor answers “It is the study of logic.”

“Whats logic?”, asks Bubba.

“Well, let me give you an example,” says the professor. “Do you own a tractor?”

“Sure do,” says Bubba.

“Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard.”

“That’s real good,” says Bubba, in awe.

“Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?”

“Amazing!” says Bubba.

“And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?”

“That would be Bobby Jo! This is incredible!”

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?”

“You are absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinating thing I have ever heard of. I can’t wait to take this philosophy class!”

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Buster is waiting.

“So what classes are you taking?” says Buster.

“Math, history and philosophy,” says Bubba.

“What in the world is philosophy?”

“Let me give you an example,” says Bubba. “Do you own a tractor?”


“Then you’re gay.”

Have you heard about the philosophers who died during a picnic?
They began to discuss the meal and starved to death.

The Dean of a college walks into the science department and says, “Why do I always have to give you people so much money for laboratories, and expensive equipment.? Why can’t you be more like the math department – all they need is pencils, paper, and waste-paper baskets. Or better yet, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper.”

College Rules –
Don’t LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don’t TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don’t SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don’t TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don’t LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Philosopher. Philosopher who?  I’m sorry.  I meant to say Paper Boy.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Lets think about that. First, define light. Also, who says the light bulb needs to be changed? Also, why is light superior to darkness? And tell me, how do we know that we are even here? Isn’t this reality that we see just a misguided frame of reference with the light bulb being our reason for existence. And in its absence do we not truly discover what it means to exist. ANSWER – shoot all the Philosophers and call a plumber.

A woman is told by her doctor that she has six months to live. “Is there anything I can do?” asks the woman?
”Well,” the doctor replies. “You could marry a Philosophy Major.”
”How in the world will that help my illness” the woman asks.
”Oh, it won’t help,” says the doctor, “but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!”

Bruce and Jason, two gay philosophers, are camping together when Bruce asks Jason a question.
“Jason,” he says, look up in the sky and tell me what you see.
Jason replies, “I see millions of stars Bruce”
“And what do you conclude from that?” asks Bruce.
Jason thinks for a moment and says, “astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Philosophically, I see that we are small and insignificant in a vast world. What does it tell you, Bruce?”
”Jason, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist philosopher? He did not believe in dog.

What is the first major decision that a Philosophy Major and his new wife must make? Whose parents to live with.