Snappy comebacks, mean comments and jokes and pranks to pull or not to pull on your Yankee and Northerner Neighbors.
Lets say a Yankee moves into your neighborhood. I know it’s a horrible thought but statisticians estimate that 30% of southerners will be faced with this situation in their lifetimes. Staying away from South Florida will help but is no guarantee that you will avoid what researchers call a northern episode. If you are one of these unlucky people then be prepared for a few changes in your life.
First, your property value is going to go down by at least 10%. 15% if the Yankee is from New Jersey or Massachusetts. This is going to keep you from being able to move which is the very thing people want to do when a Yankee or New Englander comes to town.
Second, you are going to need to have an attorney on retainer because sooner or later the Yankee is going to sue someone. And you have to face the fact that it might be you.
Third, you are going to need to begin some anger management therapy. It’s good to go ahead and start even before they move in. This can reduce the need for the attorney that you have on retainer.
Fourth, you are going to need to find ways to boost your self esteem. Anti depressants are good. Also, if your anger management therapist also does self esteem counseling you may be able to kill two birds with one stone.
If you have children then just expect their vocabulary to increase. Mostly with four letter words but often with offensive phrases that involve family members. Moving private school kids back into public school will at least get them ready and reduce the shock. The money you save can then be used for therapy and attorney fees.
Getting rid of the Yankee will actually solve all of these problems at one time. Much like a rat, they will tend to leave places that are hostile and congregate in areas that are hospitable. We have created a list of insulting things that you can say to them to make their stay in your neighborhood as uncomfortable as possible. Keep in mind that you are trying to help them because you care. I know this sounds strange but if you can get them to a place where they are welcome they will be happier. Why do you think we built trailer park villages in South Florida. You don’t think Floridians ever intended to live in trailers did you?
Here are some things to say:
Sir, I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it is really working!
I know that you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.
You must have a very low opinion of people if you think they are your equals.
If you don’t want to give people a bad name, you should have your children illegitimately.
It’s sad that you will never be the man that your mother was. (works on yankee men and women)
I don’t think you are an idiot. But then again what’s MY opinion against thousands of others?
You must have been born on the highway because that is where most accidents happen.
I heard that opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and honest.
There are only a few people in this world that I find totally obnoxious and you are all of them.
Your great at everything you do. And all you do it make people hate you.
Don’t try being artificial. You want people to hate you for who you are.
A neighbor told me that you had a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I wanted to see if you would like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I can arrange it with the undertaker.
If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid.
They say that two heads are better than one. However, that is only true if your head is not one of them.
If you were twice as good looking, you’d still be ugly.
I admire your courage. I’ve never brave enough to be a liar and a thief.
Telling you that you are stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
You were on my mind all day long. I was at the zoo.
I don’t hold your bad behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma when your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.
I’d love to help you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I’ll never forget the first time I met you. – But I’ll keep trying.
I scolded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like an idiot.
Are you an organ donor. Because if I ever need a brain transplant, I would like yours. I would want a brain that has never been used.
Is it true that your birth certificate is actually an apology letter from a condom factory?
You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.
Don’t you understand that there are plenty of people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
Would you like for people to accept you as you are or do you want them to
like you?
I think it is great that you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
I hear when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the mafia wanted too much.
I used to think that you were a huge pain in the neck. But now I have a much lower opinion of you.
If you really want to know about mistakes you should ask your parents.
Your mother and father hated you so much they painted an iron and a toaster bright yellow and told you they were bath toys.
You are so ugly when you were born the doctor said I’m gonna drop it, if it falls it’s a rat, if it flies it’s a bat.
I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!