Yankee Jokes Volume 2
Three Yankees died in a car accident but since the quota for Yankees had already been met St. Peter gave them a chance to go back to earth as anything they wanted.
The first Yankee said ” I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So he was sent back 100 times smarter.
The second Yankee said “I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So he was sent back 1000 times smarter.
The last Yankee decided he would be the best. So he said “make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter”.
So he was sent back as a Southerner !!
What should you do if you see a yankee rolling around in pain on the ground. Shoot him again.
What do you call a northerner in handcuffs. Trustworthy.
Q: How do you keep a northerner from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”
Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a Yankee.
“Watch and learn,” answered one of the boys from the South.
All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, “Ticket, please”.
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their amazement, the three Southerners didn’t buy even one ticket.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asked a puzzled Yankee.
“Watch and learn,” answered the three Southern boys in unison. When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.
The Southerner knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”
A 747 leaving JFK airport suddenly lost control and crashed in a cemetery in New Jersey. New Jersey officials have retrieved 2000 bodies so far.
We are sorry to report that an entire Wisconsin hockey team drowned recently in a spring training accident.
During world war two, three POWs, a southerner, a Californian, and a Yankee, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad.
They bring out the Southerner and stand him in front of the wall.
He points and shouts, “Tornado!” They all run for cover and the American runs away.
Next, they place the Californian in front of the firing squad.
He yells “Earthquake!” They all hit the ground for safety and the Californian escapes.
Next up is the Yankee. He looks around and shouts “Fire!”
After a terrible storm, two Yankees from Boston wanted to make some extra money cutting up trees that had fallen. They go to a chainsaw shop and ask about various chainsaws for their new venture. The salesman takes them straight to the top of the line model. “This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.” He says.
The two yankee boys purchase the chainsaw, take it home, and begin eagerly working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, they are exhausted and decided to quit. “How can we cut for hours and only cut two cords?”, they ask themselves. “So the next day they start early in the morning and cut all day” Still they are only able to cut 5 cords of wood.
Convinced that they were sold a bad saw they went back to the shop to complain. “This is a bad saw” said the smarter of the two yankees. “The dealer told us it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem and it only cuts 5 cords. The dealer, baffled by the yankees claim, removes the chainsaw from the case, pulls the cord and cranks it up. The two yankees jump back and simultaneously say “What the @@!??$ is that noise?”
Did you hear about the Yankee Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died? Five Yankee sailors died digging his grave.
A bar in Georgia had a new robot bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replied, “150.” So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy and philosophy.
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man responded, “120.” So the robot started talking about football, music, and the weather.
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replied, “70.” So the robot said, “How about them Yankees?”
A Rhode Island Yankee law was just recently passed
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.