How to Annoy a Northerner / Yankee

For generations true Americans have tried to rid their land of Yankees.   It has proven to be a difficult task.  During the time of the bubonic plague the cure was simply to take away things that made rats feel at home.  When they did this the rats left and the plague went away.  Getting rid of northerners works the same way.  Just make them a little uncomfortable and one by one they will go home.

  • Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If a northerner says “Civil War” just look confused.  Also, remember that we won that war.
  • Just exist. The very existence of other people seems to annoy them.
  • Put a Confederate Flag either in your yard, or on your truck.
  • Refer to Jefferson Davis as “Former President Jefferson Davis”.
  • Refer to EVERY soft drink as a Coke.  If they ask for a soda pretend you don’t know what that is.  Then say, “Oh you mean a Coke”.
  • When a Yankee starts to talk about how they miss the North, offer to buy them a one way ticket back.
  • Speak VERY slowly.  Also, ask them to speak slowly so you can understand them.  If they mispronounce a word ask them to spell it and then offer a correction.  They really appreciate it.
  • Take your time.  If you see one behind you in traffic just go the speed limit and wait for the horn and finger.
  • If you are up north, always make sure to ask for Grits.  They won’t know what you mean.  Then make a big deal out of it.
  • Talk loudly about NASCAR, truck pulls and SEC football.
  • Have them call you by your first AND middle name.  Example – Bobby Ray, Amy Jo, Lisa Ann.
  • Address them as “Yes Sir”, “No Sir” or “Yes Maam”, “No Maam”.  I am not sure why but they hate that.
  • When visiting the north, talk often about how mild the winters are where you live.
  • Name all your kids Bubba or Buddy.  Also, if you don’t know a yankees name just call him Buddy.
  • Bad mouth hockey.
  • Use terms like “Out Yonder”, “Ain’t”, “Fetch”, and “Fixin to”.
  • Tell them that you like their accent and the you wish you had one.
  • When they curse and are rude (which will happen), ask them what is really bothering them and offer to talk to them about.  The more sympathy you use the madder they will get.
  • Play “Sweet Home Alabama” loud and often.
  • Take them to see the movie “Deliverance” and then offer to take them camping.
  • If all else fails just call them a Yankee.  Never fails.

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