Yankee and Northerner Jokes and Humor #1

Jokes and Humor about Northerners and Yankees – Volume 1

A Texan is visiting New York for the first time when he is side swiped by a Yankee lawyer.  They both get out of their cars and check to see if the other is ok.  The lawyer then says to the Texan, “I can’t believe that neither one of us was hurt.  This is like a miracle.  He then goes over to his trunk and pulls out a bottle of Vodka and pours two large glasses.  We should celebrate our good fortune with a toast, says the lawyer.  The Texan, not knowing what to do takes the glass, touches it to the lawyers glass and gulps it down.  The lawyer puts his full glass down, picks up his phone and starts dialing a number.  Puzzled, the Texan asks, “Aren’t you going to drink yours?   To this the lawyer replies, “No, I’ll just wait until the cops get here.

What do you call 200 Yankees buried up to their necks in sand?  Not enough sand.

What do Northerners use for birth control?  Their personalities.

Your trapped in a room with Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and a Yankee.  You have a gun but only two bullets.  What do you do?  Shoot the yankee…. twice.

A tour bus carrying Yankees to south Florida runs off the road, flips onto it’s side and crashes into a guard rail.  A southern road crew witnesses the accident and commences digging holes to bury the victims. An hour or so later a local sheriff arrives to investigate the crash and finds nothing but a wrecked bus.  The sheriff goes over to the foreman of the road crew and asks if he saw the accident.  Yes, the foreman replies.  “Do you know where the victims are” , says the sheriff?   “We buried them”, replies the foreman.  “Were they all dead”, asks the sheriff?  The foreman replied, “Well some of them said they were still alive but you know how them Yankees lie.”

If you see a Yankee on a bike why should you not hit him?  There is a good chance its your bicycle.

A boat sinks and a Texan, a Floridian and a Yankee are forced to abandon ship and swim to shore.  A large man eating shark sees them in the water and eats the Texan first and then comes back and eats the Floridian.  He comes back once more for the Yankee but instead of eating him he  has the yankee grab his fin and then swims to shore leaving the yankee safe on the beach.  The yankee is confused and yells out to the shark.  Why did you not eat me?  The shark responds, Professional courtesy and swims away.

What is the difference between a dead dog and a dead Northerner in the middle of the road?  There are skid marks in front of the dog.

The devil visited a Yankee and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income to a million dollars a year. Everyone will love you; your associates will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls.” The yankee thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.

Bill and Wesley, a couple of Northerners, are playing golf one day when a funeral procession goes by.   Bill suddenly lays his club down and bows his head until the procession has passed.  Wesley says, “Bill, I had no idea you were such a compassionate and considerate man”.  To this Bill replies, “Its the least I could do, we were married for 50 years.

A yankee was shopping for a tombstone for himself and goes to a local stone cutter.  I want my tombstone to say, “Here lies an honest man and a Northerner” says the yankee.  To this the stone cutter replies, “Sir, it is against Massachusetts law to bury two men in the same grave.

The National Association of Health announced last month that they were going to start using yankees instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the National Association of Northerners demanded an explanation for the switch. The following reasons were given.
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a yankee.
2. Yankees breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Yankees are much cheaper to care for and PETA won’t jump all over you no matter what you do to them.
4. There are some things even a rat won’t do.

How many Yankees does it take to screw in a light bulb.  Just one.  He holds the light bulb and the world revolves around him.

Definition of Mixed Emotions – Watching a Yankee drive your new Porsche off a cliff.

A waitress, a construction worker, and a yankee show up together
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg and sank in the Atlantic on its maiden voyage? The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gates.
St. Peter turned to the construction worker and, figuring Heaven did not need any handyman work, decided to make the question a harder: “How many people died on the Titanic?” Luckily, the construction worker had just seen the movie and answered 1,228.  Amazed he said, “That’s right! You may enter.” St. Peter then turned to the Yankee and said… “Name them.”

You see two yankees about to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.  What do you do?…….  Good answer.

Bubba, a truck driver, liked to entertain himself by running over yankees he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a yankee walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, he saw a preacher who had run out of gas and was hitchhiking. Feeling guilty about his bad habit he thought he would do a good deed so he pulled the truck over and rolled down the passenger window.

He asked the Preacher, “How far are you going reverend?”

“To the Baptist Church about 10 miles ahead,” replied the preacher.

Climb in and I’ll give you a lift. said the trucker. ” The preacher climbed into the truck, thanked the driver and they continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a couple of yankees walking down the road and out of habit swerved to hit them. Remembering that the preacher was with him he swerved back onto the road narrowly missing the yankees.   However, even though he was sure he missed them , he heard a loud “THUMP”…”THUMP”.  Confused,  he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the preacher and said, “I’m so sorry reverend. I almost hit those two yankees.”

“That’s okay,” replied the preacher. “I got them with the door!”

A Northerner and two friends, a Catholic Priest and a Buddhist,  had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a local farmer. The farmer said “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” said the Priest, “I have learned to put others ahead of myself and I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.” With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Priest.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I am grateful to you , but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a cow and a pig in the barn and the smell is just more than I can stand.”

His Buddhist friend agrees to switch places with him. But a few minutes later there is a knock on the door.

“What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asks.

The Buddhist replies, “I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow and a pig in the barn and the stench and filth is more than I can bear!”

The Northerner cursed and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated, the farmer opened the door, and there stood…. the pig and the cow.