Evolution Jokes and Humor about Evolutionists Darwinism

Whenever I hear people talking about evolution and where life came from it always makes me laugh.  You would think that as people became smarter they would also become more logical.  Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way.

Things that are extremely complicated are always designed that way. Even simple objects like rocks are impossible to explain. It is like saying that the space shuttle happened by accident. However, as long as people want to be stupid, we are here to make fun of them.  Now on to the jokes.

One day a animal researcher noticed that a gorilla was reading two books. One was the Bible and the other was Darwin’s The Origin of Species. He was surprised and asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books”?
“Well,” said the gorilla, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

One day a group of Darwinian scientists had a meeting and decided that man had come such a long way that he no longer needed God. So they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The Darwinian walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things on our own.”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest.” To which the Darwinian happily agreed.

God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The Darwinian said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!!!!”

A little girl asked her father: “Where did the human race come from?”

The father answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.’

A couple of days later the little girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, ‘Many years ago there were some monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

The confused girl returned to her father and said, ‘Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said we evolved from monkeys?’

The father answered, ‘Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.’

Philosophy Jokes – About Philosophy Degrees, Majors, Students and Philosophers

Philosophy Major and Philosopher jokes page.  Philosophy is a degree for the thinking man.  For the most part it makes a person think about why they have no money in their wallet or why they still sleep in a bed shaped like a race car in their parents home. As far as being able to think about and solve the problems in todays society… not so much.

America needs to create jobs, advance industry, increase productivity and become more competitive in the world economy. There are hundreds of great degrees that can help us in this endeavor. Philosophy is not one of those degrees.

If you are a girl and looking for a husband then philosophy is perhaps a good way to kill time while trolling the local bars. If you are a guy, keep in mind that one day you may actually get a date and if your date has low self esteem then she may want to marry you. I know it sounds unlikely but remember that we put a man on the moon in the 60’s so a philosophy major getting a date is not that far fetched. My point is this. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SUPPORT A FAMILY!! Get a real degree like Engineering, Economics, or Business Administration. Go on and get your MBA and go out into the world and grab a little piece of the American dream.

If you have already finished your Philosophy degree and are out of money for real college then why not try this? Sorry, I am drawing a blank.   I got nothing.  

Now on to the jokes.  Click here for our Philosophy Joke Video.

Did you hear about the Philosophy major who landed a great job and now has a successful career..? Exactly. Me neither.

What does a Philosophy Major and a Gay Hairdresser have in common? They live together.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher? An offer you can’t understand.

What is the difference between a Jehovahs Witness and a Philosophy Major? The Jehovahs Witness eventually leaves your house.

A Philosophy Major is about to go on his first date so he’s understandably nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy and his date go to a soda fountain. As their ice cream sodas are melting, they stare at each other, without knowing what to say. Just then, the boy comes up with the first question: “Do you like Waffles?” The girl replies “No,” and they were quite again.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, the boy continues with the second question: “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl replies “No” and they were engulfed in a cloud of silence again.

With no other alternative, the boy asks the girl the third question: “If you had a brother, would he like Waffles?”

What’s the difference between a Philosophy Major and a large Pepperoni pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.

A graduate with an Engineering degree asks , “How does it work?”

A graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

A graduate with a Law degree asks, “Is it Legal?”

A graduate with a Philosophy degree asks, “Would you like Fries and a Coke with that?”

What’s the difference between a Philosophy Degree and a bench? A bench can support a family.

According to a recent survey, most colleges are now recommending that Philosophy majors also get a degree in Applied Homelessness.

Whats the difference between a Philosopher and a School Teacher? About $35,000 per year.

Whats the difference between a Philosopher and a Pharmacist? About $100,000 per year.

Whats the difference between a Philosopher and a Homeless person? A homeless person doesn’t live with their parents.

How do you get a Philosophy major off your front porch? Pay for the Pizza.

A philosophy major was job hunting and went here, there and everywhere in his search for a job, but in vain. Having run out of options, he swallowed his pride and took up the offer of playing a bear in a costume at a carnival. He was locked up in a cage, where he was supposed to imitate various bear-like movements to entertain visitors.

To his horror, another bear appeared in the cage and started approaching him. He panicked and was on the brink of collapse when the bear said: “Don’t be afraid. I am a philosophy major also.”

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final examination. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, “Using every thing you’ve learned in this course to prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST.”

Students diligently put their pencils and pens to work creating volumes of text proving that this chair doesn’t exist. All except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final to the teacher. This astonishes his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades…and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

He wrote “What chair?”

Bubba and Buster, decide that they will go to college. Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and philosophy.

“What’s philosophy?” says Bubba.

The professor answers “It is the study of logic.”

“Whats logic?”, asks Bubba.

“Well, let me give you an example,” says the professor. “Do you own a tractor?”

“Sure do,” says Bubba.

“Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard.”

“That’s real good,” says Bubba, in awe.

“Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?”

“Amazing!” says Bubba.

“And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?”

“That would be Bobby Jo! This is incredible!”

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?”

“You are absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinating thing I have ever heard of. I can’t wait to take this philosophy class!”

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Buster is waiting.

“So what classes are you taking?” says Buster.

“Math, history and philosophy,” says Bubba.

“What in the world is philosophy?”

“Let me give you an example,” says Bubba. “Do you own a tractor?”


“Then you’re gay.”

Have you heard about the philosophers who died during a picnic?
They began to discuss the meal and starved to death.

The Dean of a college walks into the science department and says, “Why do I always have to give you people so much money for laboratories, and expensive equipment.? Why can’t you be more like the math department – all they need is pencils, paper, and waste-paper baskets. Or better yet, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper.”

College Rules –
Don’t LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don’t TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don’t SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don’t TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don’t LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Philosopher. Philosopher who?  I’m sorry.  I meant to say Paper Boy.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Lets think about that. First, define light. Also, who says the light bulb needs to be changed? Also, why is light superior to darkness? And tell me, how do we know that we are even here? Isn’t this reality that we see just a misguided frame of reference with the light bulb being our reason for existence. And in its absence do we not truly discover what it means to exist. ANSWER – shoot all the Philosophers and call a plumber.

A woman is told by her doctor that she has six months to live. “Is there anything I can do?” asks the woman?
”Well,” the doctor replies. “You could marry a Philosophy Major.”
”How in the world will that help my illness” the woman asks.
”Oh, it won’t help,” says the doctor, “but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!”

Bruce and Jason, two gay philosophers, are camping together when Bruce asks Jason a question.
“Jason,” he says, look up in the sky and tell me what you see.
Jason replies, “I see millions of stars Bruce”
“And what do you conclude from that?” asks Bruce.
Jason thinks for a moment and says, “astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Philosophically, I see that we are small and insignificant in a vast world. What does it tell you, Bruce?”
”Jason, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist philosopher? He did not believe in dog.

What is the first major decision that a Philosophy Major and his new wife must make? Whose parents to live with.

More Philosophy Jokes – Degrees, Majors, Students and Philosophers Volume 2

I apologize, but we have more jokes about philosophy majors.  I know that is it already difficult enough what with having to live with your parents and all but these jokes are just meant to make you laugh at yourself like we do already.  Anyway, here are the jokes.

Philosophy Student 1 – I just read where 40% of Philosophy Graduates have trouble finding a job.
Philosophy Student 2 – Oh, really. How about the other 70%?

Two philosophy students were traveling on a jet from Chicago to San Diego. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announces that they had lost an engine.  He announced that they were not worry since there were three engines left.   It would just take 8 hours to arrive in San Diego instead of 6.

An hour later, the pilot announced that a second engine had failed, but that they still had two left, and it would now take 10 hours to get to San Diego.

Later, the pilot came on the intercom once more and announced that a third engine had died. Don’t worry, he said.  The plane could fly on a single engine.   It would, however, now take 16 hours to get to San Diego.

At this point, one philosophy student turned to the other and said, “I really hope we don’t lose that last engine.  We would be up here forever!”

The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They’re both wrong.

Guy – I am in love with a philosophy major but she doesn’t even know that I exist. And whats worse is that I think she can prove it.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Philosophy major.

Philosophy major who?

Well, there are many ways to answer that…

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.


A renowned philosopher was driven from place to place making speeches.  His chauffeur was a quick witted man who carefully listened to every speech his boss made.  He was amazed that people would actually pay to listen to the philosopher.

One day the driver approached the philosopher and said that he could do every bit as good of a job giving speeches and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture. The philosopher agreed.  During the speech part of the presentation, the driver handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, “Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?”

“That is an extremely simple question,” he responded. “So simple, in fact, that I will let my chauffeur answer it.

A philosopher went into a cave for 5 years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he met a colleague, who asked him where in the world he had been all those years.
“In a cave,” he replied. “I wanted to know what life really is.”
“And have you found an answer?” said his colleague.
“Yes,” he replied. “I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a tunnel.”
“That’s all well and good,” replied the colleague, “but can you be a little more clear? Can you tell me how life is like a tunnel?”
“Oh,” replied the philosopher after some thought, “maybe you’re right; perhaps life is not like a tunnel.”

A philosophy major graduated from college and his family was so proud of him.

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

Jokes about Calvinism, Calvinists, Predestination – Jokes Humor

According to Calvinists, your eternal destiny is predestined and not your choice.    You are either going to heaven or hell and there is nothing you can do about it.  The good news is that Calvinism is not true.  Salvation is available to anyone who will believe.  God has chosen you.  The question is will you choose him.

You may ask, why do we have Calvinist jokes on a Yankee Joke site?  Simple.  Calvinists and Yankees have a lot in common. 

First, they believe they are superior to others. They believe they are blessed and you are not.  That they are favored and you are not.  They are intelligent and you are not.

Second, they are arrogant and argumentative. They love to debate you.  They are not interested in you becoming a Christian but are instead interested in converting you to Calvinism.

Third, they love the idea that others are excluded and they are included. That is why they call themselves the Elect.  They parade their election not to save others but to flaunt their lofty status. 

Real Christians are more like southerners.  Kind, honest and humble.  Since we can’t change Calvinists, let’s at least make fun of them.  Now on to the jokes.  Click here for our Calvinism Joke Cartoon.

Before I start I wanted to let you know about a new Calvinist dating site. No need to sign up. Your dates are already selected and you should be getting a phone call soon.  

Did you hear about the Calvinist scoreboard manufacturer?  Their scoreboard posts the final score at the beginning of the game.

What do you call a Calvinist who has stopped taking his medication? A Universalist.

What do you call a Universalist with anger issues? A Calvinist.

Why do Calvinists make great telemarketers? Because they love to tell people they have been pre-qualified.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?  None.  It was defective from the beginning and predestined to go out.

Why do Calvinists avoid taxi cabs? Because the driver makes them tell him where they want to go.

Why do Calvinists prefer subways and trains? Because the destinations are all pre-determined.

Why should you choose a Calvinist Realtor? Because they do not believe in a “Great Commission”.

Why do Calvinists have so many kids.  Well.  If you were married to a Calvinist wouldn’t you want someone else to talk to?

Why do Calvinists treat their wives like garbage? They figure that anybody that is stupid enough to marry them deserves no better.

There has been some progress made in protecting Calvinists against discrimination. Massachusetts has just passed a law that states that when two Calvinists are divorced they are still cousins.

Did you hear about the elderly Calvinist lady that fell down a flight of stairs?  She said, “Thank goodness that’s over with”.

Definition of confusion. A Calvinist suicide hotline.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? Well, the Calvinists first have to debate whether it is a violation of providence to change a light bulb because maybe it is meant to be dark.  They also have to debate whether one of the elect should stoop so low as to perform manual labor.  In the mean time a Southern Baptist changes the bulb.

A Calvinist father, believing in predestination, put out three objects on the dining room table in preparation for his son’s arrival home from school.

The first object was a stack of $20 bills. “That represents capitalism. If he takes this, he’s going into business.” says the father.

The second object was a Bible. “If he takes this, he’ll be a man of the cloth.”

The third object was a bottle of cheap whiskey. “If he takes this, he’ll be a drunkard!”

The father and his wife then hid where they could see their son’s approach. Soon, the son entered the room and examined each item briefly. He then checked to make sure that he was alone. Not seeing anyone, he stuffed the money in his pocket, put the Bible under his arm, and strolled out of the room drinking the whiskey. The father looked at his wife and beamed, “Well what do you know! He’s going to be an attorney!!”

Why do Calvinists do so poorly on College tests?  They can’t handle multiple choice questions.

Why do Calvinists hate McDonalds?  Too many choices.

What do you call a Calvinist missionary? A figment of your imagination.

How do you confuse a Calvinist?  Take him to a buffet and tell him to get whatever he wants.

What do you call a Baptist with half a brain? A Calvinist.

Why do Calvinist make good audiences at magic shows? Because they will believe anything.

How many Calvinists does it take to screw in a light bulb? It depends on how many are needed to get all the unbelievers out of the room, for only the Elect are given the Light.

What is the difference between a Calvinist and a Terrorist? You can reason with a terrorist.

Calvinist Dictionary

All: The elect.

Everyone: The elect.

Kosmos: Greek word that means “The elect”.

Whosoever: The elect.

World: The elect.

Why did the Calvinist marry a girl named Grace. He found her irresistible.

Why do Calvinists love Facebook so much? Because you can’t get access unless you’re chosen.

A Baptist Man, a Pentecostal Woman, and a Calvinist all die and get to the gates of Heaven.

Peter tells them, “You’ve all done well, but to get into Heaven I am going to need to interview each of you in private to make sure your qualified.”

At this point the Baptist and Pentecostal are sweating bullets. Peter chooses the Baptist to go first. So, they go into a small room and are in there for 6 hours. The Pentecostal lady knows that if the Baptist man is having this hard of a time she really must be in trouble. Finally, after the six hours, the Baptist comes out and goes “Whew, I made it.”

Still, nervous the Pentecostal Lady takes her turn and goes in. After 12 hours the Baptist Guy was starting to wonder if she would pass, but sure enough she comes out and says “Whew, I made it.”

The Calvinist confidently walks into the room and shuts the door behind him. He’s in there for over 24 hours and the Pentecostal and Baptist are really starting to wonder what the heck is going on.

Finally, St. Peter comes out and says, “Whew, I made it!”

See Sarah Palin interviewed by Larry King about Calvinism – CLICK HERE

What do you call a Presbyterian drinking Mountain Dew? A Hyper-Calvinist

So Bill dies and goes to heaven and St. Peter is giving him the tour.

They walk by this group of people hanging out with the Virgin Mary and a couple of saints. “Who’s that?” asks Bill.

“Oh, that’s the Catholics.” St. Peter tells him.

The continue walking and pass another group of people who are rolling on the ground and speaking in tongues. “Who’s that?” asks Bill.

“Oh, that’s the Pentecostals.” St. Peter tells him.

Then they come across to a huge mansion and St. Peter makes Bill duck down and sneak very quietly beneath the windows and then they continue walking. “Who’s in there??” Bill asks.

“Oh,” says St. Peter. “That’s the Calvinists, they think they’re the only ones here.”

All Calvinists are part of the Elect. What are the odds of that? All Calvinists claim that all of their children are also part of the elect. What are the chances of that?   If you were a Calvinist kid wouldn’t it stink to find out you were adopted?

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? Calvinist answer – Change? What is that?

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness and a Calvinist? Someone who loves to knock on doors, but then doesn’t know what to say.

Did you hear about the Calvinist who rode in an elevator all day? He felt he had no right to choose a floor so he just went wherever it took him.

What do you call a Christian whose business takes off and makes him wealthy. A Calvinist and one of the Elect.

What do you call a bankrupt Christian? A former Calvinist.

A Calvinist and another man are sitting at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. The man turns to the Calvinist and says “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, providence will carry you around the building and back into a window”. The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The Calvinist says, “I would have to see that to believe it”. “Its true,” the man says. “Let me prove it to you.” He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. He nears the 10th floor and sure enough providence carries him around the building and back into the 10th floor window where he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the Calvinist, who looks quite astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.” “No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, around the 10th floor he is once again carried around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges the Calvinist to try it.

“Well, why not.” the Calvinist says, “I am a fan of providence, so I’ll try it.” He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to his assistant and says, “Superman sure does hate Calvinists”.

Why do presidential campaigns make Calvinists so nervous? They like the idea of an election but just can’t get past the voting part.

Why are there so few children at Calvinist birthday parties? Because they refuse to send out invitations.

Why was the Calvinist held in contempt of court? Because he refused to be a witness.

Did you hear about the Calvinist television talk show host who went broke? His guests couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

A vicious dog attacks a boy and a man standing nearby rushes in, grabs the dog by the neck and kills it. A reporter standing nearby runs over and says to the man. You are a hero. The headlines will read local Methodist man save childs life by killing wild dog. The man says, I am not a Methodist. I am a Calvinist. In that case, the reporter says, the headline will read, “Lunatic kills family pet”.

A Calvinist dies and finds himself  at a crossroads where there are two signs pointing down two different roads. One says in big letters “Predestination Believers” and the other says “Free Will Believers”. Being a Calvinist and believing in predestination he takes the predestination road. He walks down the road and comes to a huge golden door with the word PREDESTINATION written above it. He knocks and an an angel opens the door and asks “what brings you to my door”? The Calvinist answers, “there were two signs and I chose the one that says predestination. The angel says, “You chose it?” “Well then, you can’t come in” And he slams the door shut. The Calvinist is crushed and walks back to crossroads where the two signs are. He goes down the free will road and comes to another huge gold door with the words FREE WILL written above it. Another angel opens the door and asks “What brings you to my door?” And the Calvinist says, “I had no choice !”

We recommend that you choose not to be a Calvinist. Of course if Calvinism is true then you really don’t have a choice. Or do you? Very Confusing.