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Tips for Northerners Moving to the South

If you are a northerner you will inevitably want to someday move south to warmer weather and away from…  well you know what I mean.   Here are a few tips that will help you transition into southern ways.

First, you are going to need to get used to hearing proper english.  After hearing words pronounced incorrectly all your life you may feel like you are in a foreign country.  The letter “R” is used often in words so you will need to get used to that.  Just give it some time and you’ll be communicating just like a pro. 

Now being up north has probably made you very angry which is why you are so aggressive and rude.  Sort of like a bear coming out of hibernation.  We understand that down here in the south and are tolerant to a point.  I know your momma told you that politeness was a weakness but remember that your momma is a yankee.  If you get the idea that your aggressive, rude behavior may give you some type of competitive edge just remember that there are more guns than people in the south.  Plus plenty of wide open spaces to bury you.

Waving is a southern tradition.  Sort of like cursing is in the north.  When someone waves at you they are not indicating that they need assistance so you don’t need to ignore them.  Instead, wave back.  If you don’t you will be seen as rude in which case you should refer back to my point about the guns and wide open spaces.

When it comes to driving in icy conditions we concede that you have us beat.  This being said, if it does snow it is best if you stay off the roads.  We know you can drive on ice but you should know that we cannot.  If you do decide to drive make sure you keep a 12 pack of beer in your trunk.  This is not for you.  It is for the 2 guys that will be pulling you out of a ditch with their 4 wheel drive truck after an out of control southerner runs you off the road.  No need to help, just give them the beer and go on your merry way.

Speaking of the weather, if you live near the coast down here in the south you will no doubt be introduced to what we call a hurricane.   Southerners are known to wrestle live alligators and hunt wild hogs with just a bowie knife and a bandana.  In other words, they don’t scare easily.  I say this to drive home the point that if you see southerners evacuating then something bad is definately about to happen.  A hurricane is like a bad redneck marriage.  It is almost certain that someone’s going to lose a trailer.  After it is all over you will see a phenomenon that you have probably never seen in your life.  People helping other people for no reason at all.  Don’t worry, it is contagious but it won’t kill you. 

Before you head south, start saving bacon grease in a can.  There is no need to refrigerate it, just keep it under the sink.  When you arrive down south you will be instructed on how to use it.

We spoke a while ago about guns.  In the north only the mafia, cartel members and the police carry guns.  Down here we all have guns.  It is not unusual at all for a 10 year old boy to get a shotgun for his birthday.  We believe that gun control is when you use both hands to aim.  Keep this in mind the next time you get the urge to honk at the guy in front of you.

Now, a little more information about that bacon grease.  Up north grease is something that gets into pipes and requires a plumber to clean out.  Down here we cook with it.  It makes almost any dish taste better.  We add it to baked beans, collard greens, turnip greens, green beans, hash brown potatoes, fried eggs and so much more.  To be southern you have to cook southern and eat southern so just get used to it.   It will subtract about 10 years from your life but hey…  You’re a northerner.

Speaking of food, eating down south is going to be a little different for you.  We don’t eat scrod or lox.  Let me see if I can create a mental picture for you.  New Orleans is the center of the universe when it comes to good food.  Think of it as the sun.  As you move away from it the food gets worse and worse.  If you go to New Orleans and don’t like the food then living down south is not going to go well for you.  Also, we will fry and eat almost anything.  Frog legs, chickens, turkeys, pork chops, egg plant, okra, squash, seafood, onions, pickles, cheese and even ice cream.  What do we fry it in?  Grease.  We love grease.  How do we remove grease?  With soap of course.  Where does soap come from?  Grease.   That is sort of cool.  Kind of like the circle of life.

Don’t talk about how nice it is up north or how much you miss home.  You never hear Haitian boat people do that and neither should you.  Keep in mind that many of us have visited the north.  Why do you think we make fun of you?  Just enjoy your new found freedom.  We have everything you need here.  Fresh air, mild winters, plenty of waterfront and beaches, mountains, woodlands, streams, fishing, hiking, camping, sunshine and more.  Plus you can join us in making fun of yankees.  That is sort of the best part.

If you are a guy and lucky enough to have escaped the north at a young age you are going to want to know a little bit about southern girls.  They are not like northern girls. 

  • Tip Number One – you don’t have to pay them for a date.  Remember, you are in the south now. 
  • Tip Number Two – No cursing.  Remember, this is a southern girl, not your mother. 
  • Tip Number Three – Don’t tell her where you are from.  If you have to just say you are from Canada. 
  • Tip Number Four – a prenuptial agreement is useless.  Remember, she probably owns a gun and her father most likely has some acreage purchased for just such an event.

 

Definition of a Yankee or Northerner – What is a Yankee?

The term yankee or northerner refers to people who live in the northeastern part of the United States.  New Englander is another name for them but not often used due to its lack of offensiveness. Yankees do not include people west of Minnesota even though they are in the northern United States.

Besides participating in the war of northern aggression, yankees can be identified by a few distinct characteristics.  These are as follows:

Anger – Yankees seem to always be angry. They communicate this anger verbally through constant cursing but also non verbally using their car horn and middle finger. Northern anger is partly genetic due to inbreeding but it is also attributed to toxins found in both northern air, soil and water.   Some say that this aggression is from the cold weather but when a yankee is relocated to a warmer climate the condition does not seem to change leading scientists to conclude that the problem is genetic.  Pharmaceutical companies are currently developing medication for this condition but so far only alcohol seems to help.  To be effective, alcohol must be administered in large quantities to everyone except the yankee.  If given the other way around the problem just becomes worse.

Rudeness -If you see people holding the door open for others or saying thank you then you are either hallucinating or you are in the south.  Southerners are famous for good food and hospitality, Westerners are famous for their pioneer spirit, Californians are famous for being laid back and Northerners are famous for being rude.  If you want to be trampled at a concert, cut off in traffic, honked at, yelled at, cursed at, spit on, and ridiculed then just head north.  This trait is also the reason for the unmarked graves often found along southern roadways.

Omniscience –  In the north people are born knowing it all and die the same way.  Again, the only explanation is bad DNA.  Because they know everything they are the only ones that really need to talk.  In a conversation your only job is to nod your head and grunt.  Any attempt at talking on your part will be considered offensive to a yankee.  They truly want to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral. 

Arrogance – Possessing all knowledge inevitably leads to arrogance.   Here are some things that northerners have to be proud of – high crime rates, poverty, pollution, over crowded schools, illiteracy,  homelessness, and political corruption.

Greed – They say that life is all about give and take.  In the south we give.  In the north, they take.  While the south was busy inventing refrigeration the north was busy inventing white collar crime and toll roads.  Here are some facts – The 10 greediest states, starting from the bottom, were New Hampshire, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Connecticut, Minnesota, Colorado, Hawaii and Michigan.   The 10 most generous states were, in descending order, Mississippi, Arkansas, South Dakota, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, Utah, South Carolina and West Virginia. That pretty much says it all.

These are just a few characteristics that define a true Yankee.

Yankee Children Born in the South – The Truth about Yankee DNA

A frequently asked question is whether a child born in the south to a Yankee couple is officially a southerner.  The answer is NO.  Yankee DNA does not change merely because of a persons location when born.  If it did then yankees would be flying down by the thousands to have their children here. 

Here are the scientific facts:

If a child is born to yankee parents while they are in the south then that child is still a yankee. DNA testing has confirmed this over and over again. Gene therapy has been attempted but donors have been difficult to find so progress in this area has been limited.

If the child marries a southerner they  would have what we would call a mixed marriage.  If the child marries a yankee then they are right back where they started and have made no progress whatsoever.  This rarely happens since yankees hate each other even more than they hate southerners. It would be like eating at McDonalds when you live next to a 5 star restaurant.

Assuming the child of yankee parents marries a southerner, the children produced by that union would be eligible for full southern citizenship, but only under certain conditions.  First of all, the original grandparents (full blooded yankees) need to be either dead or living in a foreign country.  The reason for this is simple.  Genetically, this child is still 50% yankee and any northern influence at this point could tip the scales and create yet another yankee.   If you feel that the child needs grandparents then you may want to consider a surrogate program.  The National Organization of Surrogate Elderly or NOOSE has a great program that provides grandparents in situations like this.  The child will never know the difference and the results are phenomenal.

If two generations have passed and there has been no northern influence in a childs life then you should have yourself an honest to goodness southerner.  But wait.  There is no need to take any chances.  Observe the child and look for the following characteristics –

  • Holding a door open for strangers.
  • Letting a lady go first in line. (applies to men)
  • Waving at neighbors.
  • Respecting people of all races.
  • Treating others like they would want to be treated.
  • Literacy and a desire to go beyond the 10th grade.
  • Calm Even Temper. No sudden outbursts of cursing.
  • Love of family and country.
  • Love for the south and all it stands for.

If they exhibit all these characteristics then it is safe to say that your families heritage has been forever altered.  Congratulations.

You Know You’re a Yankee When – Jokes #1

You know you’re a Yankee if –

The farthest south you’ve been is the hat department at Macy’s.

You have a panic attack when someone talks to you on the subway.

You don’t know what Grits are.  (Even though they originated in New England.)

You think a Pole Cat is a dude that was born in Poland.

You have to get the last word in.  And it normally has 4 letters in it.

The last time you smiled was when you cut off an elderly woman in traffic.

You don’t wave back at people.  And your confused at why they would wave at you.  Some type of greeting perhaps?

Half of your vocabulary is made up of curse words.

You don’t think any of the jokes on this site are funny.

You own a collection of sweaters for your dog.

You eat fried chicken with a knife an fork.

The state you were born in or live in participated in the war of northern aggression.

You have never driven anywhere without using your horn.

You don’t understand why people in restaurants don’t talk as loud as you.

You consider being polite a weakness. 

You’ll hang up on someone but be offended if anyone turns their back to you.

You have no WD-40 or Duct Tape at your home.

You pull over to look at farm animals.

You think a Yankee is a baseball player.

Your son turns down an offer to drive for NASCAR to go to law school.

You call a single family home on a half acre a ranch.

You can’t do your laundry because you ran out of quarters.

All of your friends have only one first name.

It makes you angry that your parents are still alive.  And your kids feel the same way.

You buy an expensive car and then park it on the street.

You have had to ask a homeless person to wake up and get out of your car so you can go to work.

You’ve never cooked outside on a grill.  Better yet, you’ve never cooked.

You think all cars are yellow and have a light on top.

You think barbecue is a verb, not a noun.

Your momma spends more time in hockey locker rooms than your father’s bedroom.

You think okra is a talk show host.

You can be surrounded bye crime and “didn’t see a thing!!”

You didn’t know chickens layed eggs and cows produced milk.

You waste large amounts of money on a date, when all you had to do was ask.

You think Skoal is a form of punishment.

You Know You’re a Yankee When – Jokes #2

You Know You’re a Yankee if –

Your parents kicked you out of the house for being too polite.

You know everything and are offended by people who don’t.

You think Moon Shine is something romantic.

You can get into Canada without a passport.

You’ve never been to a flea market.

You love meat but hate hunters.

You think the Rebel flag is a symbol of racism.

You move out of the city to get away from all the problems only to realize you are the problem.

You’ve said the “F” word in front of your mother.

Your fellow yankees hate you so much you have to move to South Florida.

You think the rest of the country likes you.

You have a 10th grade education and still think you’re smarter than everyone else.

You think food from New Orleans is too spicy.

You think “greens” are part of a golf course.

You can’t whistle “Dixie”.  Heres a hint – Oh I wish I was in the land of cotton …

Pop is not your father.

The letter “R” is missing from your vocabulary unless the word begins with it.

You owe more money on your snowmobile that you do on your car.

You actually enjoy a hockey game and can name 4 teams from memory.

The word Eggplant confuses you enough to make you pull out your biology book.

You’ve shoveled snow in your yard and found a car.

You think Dunkin Donuts are good.

You don’t care who won the civil war.

You order tea and are surprised when it is served ice cold and sweet.

You don’t know who is carved into Stone Mountain.

Your schools don’t close when there is an inch of snow on the ground.

You know what “Lox” is and you still eat it.

You actually eat a fish called “Scrod”.

You don’t know kudzu from kung fu

You enjoy living in filth

The only kind of grass you’ve seen is the kind you smoke.

You prefer Bruce Springsteen to Bocephus.

The thought of eating scrapple doesn’t turn your stomach.

You talk real fast and charm real slow.

You think smog is a sky color.

Blonde Yankee / Northerner Jokes – Volume 1

A Yankee blonde went to an electronic store in Manhattan and asked, “How much is this TV ?”

The salesman said, “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.”

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.”

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, “Sorry we don’t sell to blondes.”

She replied, “I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde ?”

“Because that is not a TV, it’s a microwave.”

A blonde Yankee walked into a doctor’s office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, “What happened to your ear?” The blonde replied, “I was ironing my blouse and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.

 Stunned, the doctor asked, “Well, what happened to the other ear?”

 “The idiot called again!”

Three Yankee blondes were taking a walk in the woods when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, “Those must be deer tracks!”

The second blonde said, “No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!”

The third blondie said, “No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!”

They where still arguing when the train hit them.

A dumb Yankee blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair dyed so she would look like a brunette.

Once her hair was brown she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

“Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!”

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

“If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?”

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blond looked at the flock and guessed, “157.”

The farmer was amazed – she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

“If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?”

It was snowing heavily and visibility was almost zero when a young Yankee blonde got off work in Jersey. She made her way to her car wondering how in the world she was going to make it home alive. She sat in her car for a while and finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she ever got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very proud as they continued weaving and turning down what would have been dangerous roads. After quite some time had passed the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and asked her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right since she had been following him for a long time.

The confused little yankee blonde said that she was ok and explained to him how her daddy had told her to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was good advice and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the WalMart parking lot and was going over to the K-Mart next.

There are three blondes from Long Island stranded on an island. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a red head and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so the genie instantly turns her into a brunette and she builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third northern blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.  The genie turns her into a southern girl, and she walks across the bridge.

A Minnesota blonde who got a fishing pole for Christmas decided to go ice fishing. Early in the morning she got all her gear together and headed out.

When she reached her destination she cut a hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish there”.

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, then the same voice spoke again and told her “There are no fish there”.

So she moves again and the voice tells her the same thing again. She looks up and to her surprise see’s a man looking down at her.

“How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the little yankee blonde.

So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink and secondly, you are going to have to pay for those holes.”

A blonde in Manhattan worked on the 80th floor of an office building. She was feeling ill and went to the human resources department to get checked out. They took here temperature and told her she had a high fever. Upon hearing this she immediately went to the elevator and hit the down button.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night at her friends home in New Jersey. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science Questions.

Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”

She thought for a little while and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

What do you call a smart yankee blonde? A golden retriever.

What is the difference between Elvis Presley and a smart blonde yankee? Elvis has been spotted.

Why don’t they give elevator jobs to yankee blondes? They get lost.

What do you call a yankee blonde on a college campus? A visitor. Or the grounds keeper.

Blonde Yankee / Northerner Jokes – Volume 2

Just when you thought it was finally over.  More yankee blonde jokes!

One day, a blonde from Massachusetts went to a ventriloquist show. During the show, the ventriloquist used his “dummy” to make fun of blondes. The crowd roared with laughter, but the blonde yankee was very angry.
Outraged, she stood up and said, “How dare you make fun of blondes! We have been through enough”
The ventriloquist replied saying, “Madam, I’m very sorry. But it’s just part of the act.”
The blonde screamed, “You shutup! I’m talking to the little man on your knee!”

Why do blondes in Boston work seven days a week? That way you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.

What does a  yankee from Manhattan make best for dinner? Reservations.

Why are yankee blondes unable to double recipes? Because their ovens will not go to 750 degrees.

A couple of blondes from Manhattan decided to go to Disney World. They were almost there and saw a sign that said “Disney Land Left”. So they went back home.

Why did the yankee blonde refuse to fax her resume? Because it was the only copy that she had.

As a Blonde Yankee was driving down the freeway, her phone rang. Answering she heard her fathers voice urgently warning her, “Honey, I just heard on the news that there is a driver going the wrong way on Highway 98. Please be careful !” “Daddy” she answered, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them.

Did you hear about the blonde yankee that was treated for a concussion in the emergency room? She tried to hang herself with a bungee cord.

Why does it take Yankees so long to build a blonde snowman? Because they have to hollow out the head.

Why did the yankee blonde climb over a chained link fence? Because she wanted to see what was on the other side.

Yankee and Northerner Jokes and Humor #1

Jokes and Humor about Northerners and Yankees – Volume 1

A Texan is visiting New York for the first time when he is side swiped by a Yankee lawyer.  They both get out of their cars and check to see if the other is ok.  The lawyer then says to the Texan, “I can’t believe that neither one of us was hurt.  This is like a miracle.  He then goes over to his trunk and pulls out a bottle of Vodka and pours two large glasses.  We should celebrate our good fortune with a toast, says the lawyer.  The Texan, not knowing what to do takes the glass, touches it to the lawyers glass and gulps it down.  The lawyer puts his full glass down, picks up his phone and starts dialing a number.  Puzzled, the Texan asks, “Aren’t you going to drink yours?   To this the lawyer replies, “No, I’ll just wait until the cops get here.

What do you call 200 Yankees buried up to their necks in sand?  Not enough sand.

What do Northerners use for birth control?  Their personalities.

Your trapped in a room with Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and a Yankee.  You have a gun but only two bullets.  What do you do?  Shoot the yankee…. twice.

A tour bus carrying Yankees to south Florida runs off the road, flips onto it’s side and crashes into a guard rail.  A southern road crew witnesses the accident and commences digging holes to bury the victims. An hour or so later a local sheriff arrives to investigate the crash and finds nothing but a wrecked bus.  The sheriff goes over to the foreman of the road crew and asks if he saw the accident.  Yes, the foreman replies.  “Do you know where the victims are” , says the sheriff?   “We buried them”, replies the foreman.  “Were they all dead”, asks the sheriff?  The foreman replied, “Well some of them said they were still alive but you know how them Yankees lie.”

If you see a Yankee on a bike why should you not hit him?  There is a good chance its your bicycle.

A boat sinks and a Texan, a Floridian and a Yankee are forced to abandon ship and swim to shore.  A large man eating shark sees them in the water and eats the Texan first and then comes back and eats the Floridian.  He comes back once more for the Yankee but instead of eating him he  has the yankee grab his fin and then swims to shore leaving the yankee safe on the beach.  The yankee is confused and yells out to the shark.  Why did you not eat me?  The shark responds, Professional courtesy and swims away.

What is the difference between a dead dog and a dead Northerner in the middle of the road?  There are skid marks in front of the dog.

The devil visited a Yankee and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income to a million dollars a year. Everyone will love you; your associates will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls.” The yankee thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.

Bill and Wesley, a couple of Northerners, are playing golf one day when a funeral procession goes by.   Bill suddenly lays his club down and bows his head until the procession has passed.  Wesley says, “Bill, I had no idea you were such a compassionate and considerate man”.  To this Bill replies, “Its the least I could do, we were married for 50 years.

A yankee was shopping for a tombstone for himself and goes to a local stone cutter.  I want my tombstone to say, “Here lies an honest man and a Northerner” says the yankee.  To this the stone cutter replies, “Sir, it is against Massachusetts law to bury two men in the same grave.

The National Association of Health announced last month that they were going to start using yankees instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the National Association of Northerners demanded an explanation for the switch. The following reasons were given.
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a yankee.
2. Yankees breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Yankees are much cheaper to care for and PETA won’t jump all over you no matter what you do to them.
4. There are some things even a rat won’t do.

How many Yankees does it take to screw in a light bulb.  Just one.  He holds the light bulb and the world revolves around him.

Definition of Mixed Emotions – Watching a Yankee drive your new Porsche off a cliff.

A waitress, a construction worker, and a yankee show up together
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg and sank in the Atlantic on its maiden voyage? The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gates.
St. Peter turned to the construction worker and, figuring Heaven did not need any handyman work, decided to make the question a harder: “How many people died on the Titanic?” Luckily, the construction worker had just seen the movie and answered 1,228.  Amazed he said, “That’s right! You may enter.” St. Peter then turned to the Yankee and said… “Name them.”

You see two yankees about to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.  What do you do?…….  Good answer.

Bubba, a truck driver, liked to entertain himself by running over yankees he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a yankee walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, he saw a preacher who had run out of gas and was hitchhiking. Feeling guilty about his bad habit he thought he would do a good deed so he pulled the truck over and rolled down the passenger window.

He asked the Preacher, “How far are you going reverend?”

“To the Baptist Church about 10 miles ahead,” replied the preacher.

Climb in and I’ll give you a lift. said the trucker. ” The preacher climbed into the truck, thanked the driver and they continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a couple of yankees walking down the road and out of habit swerved to hit them. Remembering that the preacher was with him he swerved back onto the road narrowly missing the yankees.   However, even though he was sure he missed them , he heard a loud “THUMP”…”THUMP”.  Confused,  he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the preacher and said, “I’m so sorry reverend. I almost hit those two yankees.”

“That’s okay,” replied the preacher. “I got them with the door!”

A Northerner and two friends, a Catholic Priest and a Buddhist,  had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a local farmer. The farmer said “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” said the Priest, “I have learned to put others ahead of myself and I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.” With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Priest.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I am grateful to you , but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a cow and a pig in the barn and the smell is just more than I can stand.”

His Buddhist friend agrees to switch places with him. But a few minutes later there is a knock on the door.

“What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asks.

The Buddhist replies, “I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow and a pig in the barn and the stench and filth is more than I can bear!”

The Northerner cursed and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated, the farmer opened the door, and there stood…. the pig and the cow.

Jokes About Yankees and Northerners – #2

Yankee Jokes Volume 2

Three Yankees died in a car accident but since the quota for Yankees had already been met St. Peter gave them a chance to go back to earth as anything they wanted.
The first Yankee said ” I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So he was sent back 100 times smarter.
The second Yankee said “I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So he was sent back 1000 times smarter.
The last Yankee decided he would be the best. So he said “make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter”.
So he was sent back as a Southerner !!

What should you do if you see a yankee rolling around in pain on the ground. Shoot him again.

What do you call a northerner in handcuffs.   Trustworthy.

Q: How do you keep a northerner from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a Yankee.

“Watch and learn,” answered one of the boys from the South.

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, “Ticket, please”.

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their amazement, the three Southerners didn’t buy even one ticket.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asked a puzzled Yankee.

“Watch and learn,” answered the three Southern boys in unison. When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.

The Southerner knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”

A 747 leaving JFK airport suddenly lost control and crashed in a cemetery in New Jersey. New Jersey officials have retrieved 2000 bodies so far.

We are sorry to report that an entire Wisconsin hockey team drowned recently in a spring training accident.

During world war two, three POWs, a southerner, a Californian, and a Yankee, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad.
They bring out the Southerner and stand him in front of the wall.
He points and shouts, “Tornado!” They all run for cover and the American runs away.
Next, they place the Californian in front of the firing squad.
He yells “Earthquake!” They all hit the ground for safety and the Californian escapes.
Next up is the Yankee. He looks around and shouts “Fire!”

After a terrible storm, two Yankees from Boston  wanted to make some extra money cutting up trees that had fallen. They go to a chainsaw shop and ask about various chainsaws for their new venture. The salesman takes them straight to the top of the line model. “This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.” He says.

The two yankee boys purchase the chainsaw, take it home, and begin eagerly working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, they are exhausted and decided to quit.  “How can we cut for hours and only cut two cords?”, they ask themselves. “So the next day they start early in the morning and cut all day” Still they are only able to cut 5 cords of wood.

Convinced that they were sold a bad saw they went back to the shop to complain. “This is a bad saw” said the smarter of the two yankees. “The dealer told us it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem and it only cuts 5 cords.  The dealer, baffled by the yankees claim, removes the chainsaw from the case, pulls the cord and cranks it up. The two yankees jump back and simultaneously say “What the @@!??$ is that noise?”

Did you hear about the Yankee Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died? Five Yankee sailors died digging his grave.

A bar in Georgia had a new robot bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replied, “150.” So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy and philosophy.
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man responded, “120.” So the robot started talking about football, music, and the weather.
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replied, “70.” So the robot said, “How about them Yankees?”

A Rhode Island Yankee law was just recently passed
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Yankee, Northerner and New Englander Jokes – #3

Yankee and Northerner Jokes and Humor Volume 3

What do you call a girl on the arm of a yankee.   A tattoo.

A sweet Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge

in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a

young man preparing to jump off.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump, think of your dear mother and father.”

He replied, “Mom and Dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”

She said, “Well, think of your wife and children..” He replied, “I’m not married and I don’t have any kids.”

She said, “Well, at least think of Robert E. Lee.”

He replied, ”Who’s Robert E. Lee?”

She replied, ”Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you stupid Yankee.”

Four guys were walking down the street, a swiss gentleman, a Haitan, an Iranian , and a Yankee.

A reporter is doing a new story and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the current oil shortage?”

The Swiss Gentleman says, “What’s a shortage?”

The Haitan asks, “What is oil?”

The Iranian says, “What’s an opinion?”

The Yankee, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”

Q: How come you never get a parking ticket in the Bronx?

A: Because your car’s gone before the parking cop comes around.

Q: A New Jersey Guy and a guy from Brooklyn are in a car together, who’s driving?

A: The Police.

A Yankee walks into a bar and sits down. There is a news report on TV showing a New Yorker on a ledge outside an upper floor of a building threatening to jump. The bartender, who’d seen the news report before says, “I’ll bet you $50 he’s going to jump.” The Yankee took the bet and put down a $50 bill on the bar. Suddenly, the the man on the ledge jumped to his death. The bartender picked up the $50 bill but then, realizing that he’d taken advantage of a poor, stupid Yankee, his conscience got the better of him and he said, “Look, I’m going to give you back your money. I have to confess that I saw that news report before.” “That’s O.K.,” said the Yankee, “I saw it before also, but I didn’t think he was gonna do it again!”

Two Yankees from the Bronx are down in Florida and rent a boat and go fishing in the bay. They catch a huge number of fish. One says to the other, “We’ll have to come back to this exact spot tomorrow!”

The other Yankee asks, “But how will we remember where this spot is?”

Yankee number one then takes a can of red spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat to mark the spot, and says, “We’ll just look for this big red X tomorrow.”

The other Yankee says, “But wait! How do you know we’ll get the same boat?”

Why are most Yankees democrats?  Because they identify so well with the mascot.

Why did the Yankee cross the road?  To cut in front of the chicken. 

What do you call a kind, compassionate Yankee? A hallucination.

A rich yankee attorney was on vacation in Gulf Shores, Alabama. He decided to try his luck at surfing but was quickly overwhelmed by a rip current and started to drown.

Three local boys, playing along the beach, saw the yankee struggling and without a second thought, jumped in the water and dragged the wet northerner out of the surf.

After catching his breath he said, “Boys, you saved my life. You deserve a reward. Just name it, I’ll give it to you.”

The first boy said, “Please, I’d like a ticket to Six Flags over Georgia!” “No problem,” said the yankee.

“I’d like a brand new surfboard,” the second boy said. “Consider it done,” said the yankee.

“And I’d like an electric wheelchair with a stereo in it,” said the third boy.

“I’ll personally … wait a second, son, you’re not handicapped!”

“No, but I will be when my father finds out I saved a yankee from drowning.”

A 5th grade boy from Brooklyn runs home and says to his dad. “Daddy, daddy, I made the highest grade in spelling today”. His dad replies “Thats because you’re from Brooklyn”. The next day the boy runs home again and tells his dad. “Daddy, daddy, I was picked first for kick ball today”. To this his dad replies, “Well son, that’s because your from Brooklyn”. The next day the boy runs home and says, “Daddy, daddy, I can count to 100 now.”. His father replies, “Great son, thats because you are from Brooklyn”. Finally, on Friday the boy comes home and says “Daddy, daddy, We were playing shirts and skins football and I was on the skins team and I was the only boy with hair under his arms.  The dad replied, “Well son, thats because you’re 16 years old”.

A drunk Yankee goes into a bar in Boston. The bartender throws him out for being too drunk. A few minutes later, the drunk Yankee walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk.  About 5 minutes later the drunk walks back into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk  Yankee looks at him and says, “Hey Buddy, how many bars do you own, anyway?”

Two Yankees walk into a bar and start yelling. A guy from Alabama ducks.

What is the difference between a Yankee in the road and a deer? You would swerve to miss the deer.

A stupid yankee (redundant) went down to Texas on vacation. Late one afternoon he
decided to go for a drink at his hotel’s bar. Swinging a leg over the stool he
calls out, “Bartender, I’d like a beer.”
The bartender asks, “You want a Texas size beer or a regular beer?”
Without hesitation the northerner answers, “I want it Texas sized.”
The bartender goes to get the back and brings back a barrel of beer. The
yankee looks in surprise at the size of his beer. “Well, if I’m going to
drink all this beer I’d better get some peanuts.”
“Texas size or regular size?” The bartender asks.
Nodding the yankee says, “Texas size of course.”
The barkeep leaves and brings back a bushel basket of peanuts and puts it
next to the stupid yankee. A long time passes and the barrel of beer is almost empty
and the peanuts gone. The yankee asks the bartender, “Where’s the bathroom?”
The bartender points down a hallway. “Just go down that hall and take the first
door on the left.”
The yankee stumbles and staggers down the hall but instead of taking the
first door on the left he takes the first door on the right. He goes into the
dark room looking for a light switch and falls into the hotel swimming pool.
“HELP ME! HELP ME!” He cries out. The bartender runs into the room and turns on the
light.
The yankee in a panic cries out. “Don’t flush it! Don’t flush it!”