Yankee and Northerner Jokes and Humor #1

Jokes and Humor about Northerners and Yankees – Volume 1

A Texan is visiting New York for the first time when he is side swiped by a Yankee lawyer.  They both get out of their cars and check to see if the other is ok.  The lawyer then says to the Texan, “I can’t believe that neither one of us was hurt.  This is like a miracle.  He then goes over to his trunk and pulls out a bottle of Vodka and pours two large glasses.  We should celebrate our good fortune with a toast, says the lawyer.  The Texan, not knowing what to do takes the glass, touches it to the lawyers glass and gulps it down.  The lawyer puts his full glass down, picks up his phone and starts dialing a number.  Puzzled, the Texan asks, “Aren’t you going to drink yours?   To this the lawyer replies, “No, I’ll just wait until the cops get here.

What do you call 200 Yankees buried up to their necks in sand?  Not enough sand.

What do Northerners use for birth control?  Their personalities.

Your trapped in a room with Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and a Yankee.  You have a gun but only two bullets.  What do you do?  Shoot the yankee…. twice.

A tour bus carrying Yankees to south Florida runs off the road, flips onto it’s side and crashes into a guard rail.  A southern road crew witnesses the accident and commences digging holes to bury the victims. An hour or so later a local sheriff arrives to investigate the crash and finds nothing but a wrecked bus.  The sheriff goes over to the foreman of the road crew and asks if he saw the accident.  Yes, the foreman replies.  “Do you know where the victims are” , says the sheriff?   “We buried them”, replies the foreman.  “Were they all dead”, asks the sheriff?  The foreman replied, “Well some of them said they were still alive but you know how them Yankees lie.”

If you see a Yankee on a bike why should you not hit him?  There is a good chance its your bicycle.

A boat sinks and a Texan, a Floridian and a Yankee are forced to abandon ship and swim to shore.  A large man eating shark sees them in the water and eats the Texan first and then comes back and eats the Floridian.  He comes back once more for the Yankee but instead of eating him he  has the yankee grab his fin and then swims to shore leaving the yankee safe on the beach.  The yankee is confused and yells out to the shark.  Why did you not eat me?  The shark responds, Professional courtesy and swims away.

What is the difference between a dead dog and a dead Northerner in the middle of the road?  There are skid marks in front of the dog.

The devil visited a Yankee and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income to a million dollars a year. Everyone will love you; your associates will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls.” The yankee thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.

Bill and Wesley, a couple of Northerners, are playing golf one day when a funeral procession goes by.   Bill suddenly lays his club down and bows his head until the procession has passed.  Wesley says, “Bill, I had no idea you were such a compassionate and considerate man”.  To this Bill replies, “Its the least I could do, we were married for 50 years.

A yankee was shopping for a tombstone for himself and goes to a local stone cutter.  I want my tombstone to say, “Here lies an honest man and a Northerner” says the yankee.  To this the stone cutter replies, “Sir, it is against Massachusetts law to bury two men in the same grave.

The National Association of Health announced last month that they were going to start using yankees instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the National Association of Northerners demanded an explanation for the switch. The following reasons were given.
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a yankee.
2. Yankees breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Yankees are much cheaper to care for and PETA won’t jump all over you no matter what you do to them.
4. There are some things even a rat won’t do.

How many Yankees does it take to screw in a light bulb.  Just one.  He holds the light bulb and the world revolves around him.

Definition of Mixed Emotions – Watching a Yankee drive your new Porsche off a cliff.

A waitress, a construction worker, and a yankee show up together
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg and sank in the Atlantic on its maiden voyage? The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gates.
St. Peter turned to the construction worker and, figuring Heaven did not need any handyman work, decided to make the question a harder: “How many people died on the Titanic?” Luckily, the construction worker had just seen the movie and answered 1,228.  Amazed he said, “That’s right! You may enter.” St. Peter then turned to the Yankee and said… “Name them.”

You see two yankees about to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.  What do you do?…….  Good answer.

Bubba, a truck driver, liked to entertain himself by running over yankees he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a yankee walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, he saw a preacher who had run out of gas and was hitchhiking. Feeling guilty about his bad habit he thought he would do a good deed so he pulled the truck over and rolled down the passenger window.

He asked the Preacher, “How far are you going reverend?”

“To the Baptist Church about 10 miles ahead,” replied the preacher.

Climb in and I’ll give you a lift. said the trucker. ” The preacher climbed into the truck, thanked the driver and they continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a couple of yankees walking down the road and out of habit swerved to hit them. Remembering that the preacher was with him he swerved back onto the road narrowly missing the yankees.   However, even though he was sure he missed them , he heard a loud “THUMP”…”THUMP”.  Confused,  he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the preacher and said, “I’m so sorry reverend. I almost hit those two yankees.”

“That’s okay,” replied the preacher. “I got them with the door!”

A Northerner and two friends, a Catholic Priest and a Buddhist,  had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a local farmer. The farmer said “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” said the Priest, “I have learned to put others ahead of myself and I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.” With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Priest.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I am grateful to you , but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a cow and a pig in the barn and the smell is just more than I can stand.”

His Buddhist friend agrees to switch places with him. But a few minutes later there is a knock on the door.

“What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asks.

The Buddhist replies, “I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow and a pig in the barn and the stench and filth is more than I can bear!”

The Northerner cursed and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated, the farmer opened the door, and there stood…. the pig and the cow.

Jokes About Yankees and Northerners – #2

Yankee Jokes Volume 2

Three Yankees died in a car accident but since the quota for Yankees had already been met St. Peter gave them a chance to go back to earth as anything they wanted.
The first Yankee said ” I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So he was sent back 100 times smarter.
The second Yankee said “I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So he was sent back 1000 times smarter.
The last Yankee decided he would be the best. So he said “make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter”.
So he was sent back as a Southerner !!

What should you do if you see a yankee rolling around in pain on the ground. Shoot him again.

What do you call a northerner in handcuffs.   Trustworthy.

Q: How do you keep a northerner from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a Yankee.

“Watch and learn,” answered one of the boys from the South.

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, “Ticket, please”.

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their amazement, the three Southerners didn’t buy even one ticket.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asked a puzzled Yankee.

“Watch and learn,” answered the three Southern boys in unison. When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.

The Southerner knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”

A 747 leaving JFK airport suddenly lost control and crashed in a cemetery in New Jersey. New Jersey officials have retrieved 2000 bodies so far.

We are sorry to report that an entire Wisconsin hockey team drowned recently in a spring training accident.

During world war two, three POWs, a southerner, a Californian, and a Yankee, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad.
They bring out the Southerner and stand him in front of the wall.
He points and shouts, “Tornado!” They all run for cover and the American runs away.
Next, they place the Californian in front of the firing squad.
He yells “Earthquake!” They all hit the ground for safety and the Californian escapes.
Next up is the Yankee. He looks around and shouts “Fire!”

After a terrible storm, two Yankees from Boston  wanted to make some extra money cutting up trees that had fallen. They go to a chainsaw shop and ask about various chainsaws for their new venture. The salesman takes them straight to the top of the line model. “This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.” He says.

The two yankee boys purchase the chainsaw, take it home, and begin eagerly working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, they are exhausted and decided to quit.  “How can we cut for hours and only cut two cords?”, they ask themselves. “So the next day they start early in the morning and cut all day” Still they are only able to cut 5 cords of wood.

Convinced that they were sold a bad saw they went back to the shop to complain. “This is a bad saw” said the smarter of the two yankees. “The dealer told us it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem and it only cuts 5 cords.  The dealer, baffled by the yankees claim, removes the chainsaw from the case, pulls the cord and cranks it up. The two yankees jump back and simultaneously say “What the @@!??$ is that noise?”

Did you hear about the Yankee Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died? Five Yankee sailors died digging his grave.

A bar in Georgia had a new robot bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replied, “150.” So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy and philosophy.
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man responded, “120.” So the robot started talking about football, music, and the weather.
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replied, “70.” So the robot said, “How about them Yankees?”

A Rhode Island Yankee law was just recently passed
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Yankee, Northerner and New Englander Jokes – #3

Yankee and Northerner Jokes and Humor Volume 3

What do you call a girl on the arm of a yankee.   A tattoo.

A sweet Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge

in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a

young man preparing to jump off.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump, think of your dear mother and father.”

He replied, “Mom and Dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”

She said, “Well, think of your wife and children..” He replied, “I’m not married and I don’t have any kids.”

She said, “Well, at least think of Robert E. Lee.”

He replied, ”Who’s Robert E. Lee?”

She replied, ”Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you stupid Yankee.”

Four guys were walking down the street, a swiss gentleman, a Haitan, an Iranian , and a Yankee.

A reporter is doing a new story and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the current oil shortage?”

The Swiss Gentleman says, “What’s a shortage?”

The Haitan asks, “What is oil?”

The Iranian says, “What’s an opinion?”

The Yankee, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”

Q: How come you never get a parking ticket in the Bronx?

A: Because your car’s gone before the parking cop comes around.

Q: A New Jersey Guy and a guy from Brooklyn are in a car together, who’s driving?

A: The Police.

A Yankee walks into a bar and sits down. There is a news report on TV showing a New Yorker on a ledge outside an upper floor of a building threatening to jump. The bartender, who’d seen the news report before says, “I’ll bet you $50 he’s going to jump.” The Yankee took the bet and put down a $50 bill on the bar. Suddenly, the the man on the ledge jumped to his death. The bartender picked up the $50 bill but then, realizing that he’d taken advantage of a poor, stupid Yankee, his conscience got the better of him and he said, “Look, I’m going to give you back your money. I have to confess that I saw that news report before.” “That’s O.K.,” said the Yankee, “I saw it before also, but I didn’t think he was gonna do it again!”

Two Yankees from the Bronx are down in Florida and rent a boat and go fishing in the bay. They catch a huge number of fish. One says to the other, “We’ll have to come back to this exact spot tomorrow!”

The other Yankee asks, “But how will we remember where this spot is?”

Yankee number one then takes a can of red spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat to mark the spot, and says, “We’ll just look for this big red X tomorrow.”

The other Yankee says, “But wait! How do you know we’ll get the same boat?”

Why are most Yankees democrats?  Because they identify so well with the mascot.

Why did the Yankee cross the road?  To cut in front of the chicken. 

What do you call a kind, compassionate Yankee? A hallucination.

A rich yankee attorney was on vacation in Gulf Shores, Alabama. He decided to try his luck at surfing but was quickly overwhelmed by a rip current and started to drown.

Three local boys, playing along the beach, saw the yankee struggling and without a second thought, jumped in the water and dragged the wet northerner out of the surf.

After catching his breath he said, “Boys, you saved my life. You deserve a reward. Just name it, I’ll give it to you.”

The first boy said, “Please, I’d like a ticket to Six Flags over Georgia!” “No problem,” said the yankee.

“I’d like a brand new surfboard,” the second boy said. “Consider it done,” said the yankee.

“And I’d like an electric wheelchair with a stereo in it,” said the third boy.

“I’ll personally … wait a second, son, you’re not handicapped!”

“No, but I will be when my father finds out I saved a yankee from drowning.”

A 5th grade boy from Brooklyn runs home and says to his dad. “Daddy, daddy, I made the highest grade in spelling today”. His dad replies “Thats because you’re from Brooklyn”. The next day the boy runs home again and tells his dad. “Daddy, daddy, I was picked first for kick ball today”. To this his dad replies, “Well son, that’s because your from Brooklyn”. The next day the boy runs home and says, “Daddy, daddy, I can count to 100 now.”. His father replies, “Great son, thats because you are from Brooklyn”. Finally, on Friday the boy comes home and says “Daddy, daddy, We were playing shirts and skins football and I was on the skins team and I was the only boy with hair under his arms.  The dad replied, “Well son, thats because you’re 16 years old”.

A drunk Yankee goes into a bar in Boston. The bartender throws him out for being too drunk. A few minutes later, the drunk Yankee walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk.  About 5 minutes later the drunk walks back into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk  Yankee looks at him and says, “Hey Buddy, how many bars do you own, anyway?”

Two Yankees walk into a bar and start yelling. A guy from Alabama ducks.

What is the difference between a Yankee in the road and a deer? You would swerve to miss the deer.

A stupid yankee (redundant) went down to Texas on vacation. Late one afternoon he
decided to go for a drink at his hotel’s bar. Swinging a leg over the stool he
calls out, “Bartender, I’d like a beer.”
The bartender asks, “You want a Texas size beer or a regular beer?”
Without hesitation the northerner answers, “I want it Texas sized.”
The bartender goes to get the back and brings back a barrel of beer. The
yankee looks in surprise at the size of his beer. “Well, if I’m going to
drink all this beer I’d better get some peanuts.”
“Texas size or regular size?” The bartender asks.
Nodding the yankee says, “Texas size of course.”
The barkeep leaves and brings back a bushel basket of peanuts and puts it
next to the stupid yankee. A long time passes and the barrel of beer is almost empty
and the peanuts gone. The yankee asks the bartender, “Where’s the bathroom?”
The bartender points down a hallway. “Just go down that hall and take the first
door on the left.”
The yankee stumbles and staggers down the hall but instead of taking the
first door on the left he takes the first door on the right. He goes into the
dark room looking for a light switch and falls into the hotel swimming pool.
“HELP ME! HELP ME!” He cries out. The bartender runs into the room and turns on the
The yankee in a panic cries out. “Don’t flush it! Don’t flush it!”

Yankee Northerner New Englander Jokes and Humor #4

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to work.  Here comes more Yankee Jokes  “Volume 4”.  Guaranteed to make you the life of the party.  Your southern friends will love you and your northern acquaintances will cower in your presence.

You’re walking down a dark alley with your wife and two small children. All of the sudden a dangerous looking Yankee with a knife in his hand comes around the corner,  screams curse words and runs towards you. You have a Smith & Wesson 45 Caliber Pistol in your possession and you are an expert marksman. You have just a few seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Northern Democrat Yankee Answer:

Maybe the man is a member of a minority group that is protected by law.  He may just be down on his luck.  Surely there is a way to subdue him without violence.  To hurt him is to say that your life is more important than his.  Who gives you that right.  You should quickly call 911 and let them determine what to do.  Maybe they can talk you through the situation over the phone.

Southerner’s Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!  click click click.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, the Creator was missing for six days.

Eventually, Gabriel the angel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired , “Where have you been?”

The creator sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael, look what I’ve made.”

Gabriel looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet, and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Gabriel, still confused.

The creator explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and the Antarctica in the South will be very cold. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. he continued, pointing to different countries.

“This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

Gabriel, impressed by the creators work, then pointed to a large area and asked, “What’s that one?”

“Ah,” that’s the SOUTH, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from there are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. A truly great people.”

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance? You said there will be BALANCE.”

The creator replied wisely…”Wait until you see the loudmouth obnoxious people I’m putting north of them.

A mother from Georgia and her young daughter were visiting New York City. The mother was trying to hail a taxi when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed Yankee women loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her taxi and they both climbed in. The daughter asks, “Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?” The mother replies, “Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work.”

The Yankee taxi driver, upon hearing this, turns to the mother and says, “Hey lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!! They’re prostitutes!”

After a moment of silence, the daughter asks, “Mommy, do those ladies have any children?”

The mother replies, “Of course dear. Where do you think Yankee Taxi Drivers come from?”

If someone hollers “Hoedown” and your girlfriend falls to the floor, you might be from New Jersey.

If you have been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws, you might be from New Jersey.

If your grandma can properly execute the Sleeper hold, you might be from New Jersey.

If your wife has ever said “Move this engine block so I can take a bath” , you might be from New Jersey.

If the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife, you might be from New Jersey

If you let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table, in front of her kids, you might be a New Jersey.

If you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean, you may be from New Jersey.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,’I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Yankee came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Yankee was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Yankees lined up waiting for a free haircut.