If you are a northerner you will inevitably want to someday move south to warmer weather and away from… well you know what I mean. Here are a few tips that will help you transition into southern ways.
First, you are going to need to get used to hearing proper english. After hearing words pronounced incorrectly all your life you may feel like you are in a foreign country. The letter “R” is used often in words so you will need to get used to that. Just give it some time and you’ll be communicating just like a pro.
Now being up north has probably made you very angry which is why you are so aggressive and rude. Sort of like a bear coming out of hibernation. We understand that down here in the south and are tolerant to a point. I know your momma told you that politeness was a weakness but remember that your momma is a yankee. If you get the idea that your aggressive, rude behavior may give you some type of competitive edge just remember that there are more guns than people in the south. Plus plenty of wide open spaces to bury you.
Waving is a southern tradition. Sort of like cursing is in the north. When someone waves at you they are not indicating that they need assistance so you don’t need to ignore them. Instead, wave back. If you don’t you will be seen as rude in which case you should refer back to my point about the guns and wide open spaces.
When it comes to driving in icy conditions we concede that you have us beat. This being said, if it does snow it is best if you stay off the roads. We know you can drive on ice but you should know that we cannot. If you do decide to drive make sure you keep a 12 pack of beer in your trunk. This is not for you. It is for the 2 guys that will be pulling you out of a ditch with their 4 wheel drive truck after an out of control southerner runs you off the road. No need to help, just give them the beer and go on your merry way.
Speaking of the weather, if you live near the coast down here in the south you will no doubt be introduced to what we call a hurricane. Southerners are known to wrestle live alligators and hunt wild hogs with just a bowie knife and a bandana. In other words, they don’t scare easily. I say this to drive home the point that if you see southerners evacuating then something bad is definately about to happen. A hurricane is like a bad redneck marriage. It is almost certain that someone’s going to lose a trailer. After it is all over you will see a phenomenon that you have probably never seen in your life. People helping other people for no reason at all. Don’t worry, it is contagious but it won’t kill you.
Before you head south, start saving bacon grease in a can. There is no need to refrigerate it, just keep it under the sink. When you arrive down south you will be instructed on how to use it.
We spoke a while ago about guns. In the north only the mafia, cartel members and the police carry guns. Down here we all have guns. It is not unusual at all for a 10 year old boy to get a shotgun for his birthday. We believe that gun control is when you use both hands to aim. Keep this in mind the next time you get the urge to honk at the guy in front of you.
Now, a little more information about that bacon grease. Up north grease is something that gets into pipes and requires a plumber to clean out. Down here we cook with it. It makes almost any dish taste better. We add it to baked beans, collard greens, turnip greens, green beans, hash brown potatoes, fried eggs and so much more. To be southern you have to cook southern and eat southern so just get used to it. It will subtract about 10 years from your life but hey… You’re a northerner.
Speaking of food, eating down south is going to be a little different for you. We don’t eat scrod or lox. Let me see if I can create a mental picture for you. New Orleans is the center of the universe when it comes to good food. Think of it as the sun. As you move away from it the food gets worse and worse. If you go to New Orleans and don’t like the food then living down south is not going to go well for you. Also, we will fry and eat almost anything. Frog legs, chickens, turkeys, pork chops, egg plant, okra, squash, seafood, onions, pickles, cheese and even ice cream. What do we fry it in? Grease. We love grease. How do we remove grease? With soap of course. Where does soap come from? Grease. That is sort of cool. Kind of like the circle of life.
Don’t talk about how nice it is up north or how much you miss home. You never hear Haitian boat people do that and neither should you. Keep in mind that many of us have visited the north. Why do you think we make fun of you? Just enjoy your new found freedom. We have everything you need here. Fresh air, mild winters, plenty of waterfront and beaches, mountains, woodlands, streams, fishing, hiking, camping, sunshine and more. Plus you can join us in making fun of yankees. That is sort of the best part.
If you are a guy and lucky enough to have escaped the north at a young age you are going to want to know a little bit about southern girls. They are not like northern girls.
- Tip Number One – you don’t have to pay them for a date. Remember, you are in the south now.
- Tip Number Two – No cursing. Remember, this is a southern girl, not your mother.
- Tip Number Three – Don’t tell her where you are from. If you have to just say you are from Canada.
- Tip Number Four – a prenuptial agreement is useless. Remember, she probably owns a gun and her father most likely has some acreage purchased for just such an event.