Yankee Northerner New Englander Jokes and Humor #4

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to work.  Here comes more Yankee Jokes  “Volume 4”.  Guaranteed to make you the life of the party.  Your southern friends will love you and your northern acquaintances will cower in your presence.


You’re walking down a dark alley with your wife and two small children. All of the sudden a dangerous looking Yankee with a knife in his hand comes around the corner,  screams curse words and runs towards you. You have a Smith & Wesson 45 Caliber Pistol in your possession and you are an expert marksman. You have just a few seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Northern Democrat Yankee Answer:

Maybe the man is a member of a minority group that is protected by law.  He may just be down on his luck.  Surely there is a way to subdue him without violence.  To hurt him is to say that your life is more important than his.  Who gives you that right.  You should quickly call 911 and let them determine what to do.  Maybe they can talk you through the situation over the phone.

Southerner’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! ….Reload.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!  click click click.


Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, the Creator was missing for six days.

Eventually, Gabriel the angel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired , “Where have you been?”

The creator sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael, look what I’ve made.”

Gabriel looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet, and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Gabriel, still confused.

The creator explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and the Antarctica in the South will be very cold. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. he continued, pointing to different countries.

“This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

Gabriel, impressed by the creators work, then pointed to a large area and asked, “What’s that one?”

“Ah,” that’s the SOUTH, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from there are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. A truly great people.”

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance? You said there will be BALANCE.”

The creator replied wisely…”Wait until you see the loudmouth obnoxious people I’m putting north of them.


A mother from Georgia and her young daughter were visiting New York City. The mother was trying to hail a taxi when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed Yankee women loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her taxi and they both climbed in. The daughter asks, “Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?” The mother replies, “Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work.”

The Yankee taxi driver, upon hearing this, turns to the mother and says, “Hey lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!! They’re prostitutes!”

After a moment of silence, the daughter asks, “Mommy, do those ladies have any children?”

The mother replies, “Of course dear. Where do you think Yankee Taxi Drivers come from?”


If someone hollers “Hoedown” and your girlfriend falls to the floor, you might be from New Jersey.

If you have been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws, you might be from New Jersey.

If your grandma can properly execute the Sleeper hold, you might be from New Jersey.

If your wife has ever said “Move this engine block so I can take a bath” , you might be from New Jersey.

If the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife, you might be from New Jersey

If you let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table, in front of her kids, you might be a New Jersey.

If you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean, you may be from New Jersey.


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,’I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Yankee came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Yankee was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Yankees lined up waiting for a free haircut.


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