Yankee and Northerner Jokes and Humor Volume 3
What do you call a girl on the arm of a yankee. A tattoo.
A sweet Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge
in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a
young man preparing to jump off.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump, think of your dear mother and father.”
He replied, “Mom and Dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”
She said, “Well, think of your wife and children..” He replied, “I’m not married and I don’t have any kids.”
She said, “Well, at least think of Robert E. Lee.”
He replied, ”Who’s Robert E. Lee?”
She replied, ”Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you stupid Yankee.”
Four guys were walking down the street, a swiss gentleman, a Haitan, an Iranian , and a Yankee.
A reporter is doing a new story and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the current oil shortage?”
The Swiss Gentleman says, “What’s a shortage?”
The Haitan asks, “What is oil?”
The Iranian says, “What’s an opinion?”
The Yankee, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”
Q: How come you never get a parking ticket in the Bronx?
A: Because your car’s gone before the parking cop comes around.
Q: A New Jersey Guy and a guy from Brooklyn are in a car together, who’s driving?
A: The Police.
A Yankee walks into a bar and sits down. There is a news report on TV showing a New Yorker on a ledge outside an upper floor of a building threatening to jump. The bartender, who’d seen the news report before says, “I’ll bet you $50 he’s going to jump.” The Yankee took the bet and put down a $50 bill on the bar. Suddenly, the the man on the ledge jumped to his death. The bartender picked up the $50 bill but then, realizing that he’d taken advantage of a poor, stupid Yankee, his conscience got the better of him and he said, “Look, I’m going to give you back your money. I have to confess that I saw that news report before.” “That’s O.K.,” said the Yankee, “I saw it before also, but I didn’t think he was gonna do it again!”
Two Yankees from the Bronx are down in Florida and rent a boat and go fishing in the bay. They catch a huge number of fish. One says to the other, “We’ll have to come back to this exact spot tomorrow!”
The other Yankee asks, “But how will we remember where this spot is?”
Yankee number one then takes a can of red spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat to mark the spot, and says, “We’ll just look for this big red X tomorrow.”
The other Yankee says, “But wait! How do you know we’ll get the same boat?”
Why are most Yankees democrats? Because they identify so well with the mascot.
Why did the Yankee cross the road? To cut in front of the chicken.
What do you call a kind, compassionate Yankee? A hallucination.
A rich yankee attorney was on vacation in Gulf Shores, Alabama. He decided to try his luck at surfing but was quickly overwhelmed by a rip current and started to drown.
Three local boys, playing along the beach, saw the yankee struggling and without a second thought, jumped in the water and dragged the wet northerner out of the surf.
After catching his breath he said, “Boys, you saved my life. You deserve a reward. Just name it, I’ll give it to you.”
The first boy said, “Please, I’d like a ticket to Six Flags over Georgia!” “No problem,” said the yankee.
“I’d like a brand new surfboard,” the second boy said. “Consider it done,” said the yankee.
“And I’d like an electric wheelchair with a stereo in it,” said the third boy.
“I’ll personally … wait a second, son, you’re not handicapped!”
“No, but I will be when my father finds out I saved a yankee from drowning.”
A 5th grade boy from Brooklyn runs home and says to his dad. “Daddy, daddy, I made the highest grade in spelling today”. His dad replies “Thats because you’re from Brooklyn”. The next day the boy runs home again and tells his dad. “Daddy, daddy, I was picked first for kick ball today”. To this his dad replies, “Well son, that’s because your from Brooklyn”. The next day the boy runs home and says, “Daddy, daddy, I can count to 100 now.”. His father replies, “Great son, thats because you are from Brooklyn”. Finally, on Friday the boy comes home and says “Daddy, daddy, We were playing shirts and skins football and I was on the skins team and I was the only boy with hair under his arms. The dad replied, “Well son, thats because you’re 16 years old”.
A drunk Yankee goes into a bar in Boston. The bartender throws him out for being too drunk. A few minutes later, the drunk Yankee walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. About 5 minutes later the drunk walks back into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk Yankee looks at him and says, “Hey Buddy, how many bars do you own, anyway?”
Two Yankees walk into a bar and start yelling. A guy from Alabama ducks.
What is the difference between a Yankee in the road and a deer? You would swerve to miss the deer.
A stupid yankee (redundant) went down to Texas on vacation. Late one afternoon he
decided to go for a drink at his hotel’s bar. Swinging a leg over the stool he
calls out, “Bartender, I’d like a beer.”
The bartender asks, “You want a Texas size beer or a regular beer?”
Without hesitation the northerner answers, “I want it Texas sized.”
The bartender goes to get the back and brings back a barrel of beer. The
yankee looks in surprise at the size of his beer. “Well, if I’m going to
drink all this beer I’d better get some peanuts.”
“Texas size or regular size?” The bartender asks.
Nodding the yankee says, “Texas size of course.”
The barkeep leaves and brings back a bushel basket of peanuts and puts it
next to the stupid yankee. A long time passes and the barrel of beer is almost empty
and the peanuts gone. The yankee asks the bartender, “Where’s the bathroom?”
The bartender points down a hallway. “Just go down that hall and take the first
door on the left.”
The yankee stumbles and staggers down the hall but instead of taking the
first door on the left he takes the first door on the right. He goes into the
dark room looking for a light switch and falls into the hotel swimming pool.
“HELP ME! HELP ME!” He cries out. The bartender runs into the room and turns on the
The yankee in a panic cries out. “Don’t flush it! Don’t flush it!”