Jokes about Calvinism, Calvinists, Predestination – Jokes Humor

According to Calvinists, your eternal destiny is predestined and not your choice.    You are either going to heaven or hell and there is nothing you can do about it.  The good news is that Calvinism is not true.  Salvation is available to anyone who will believe.  God has chosen you.  The question is will you choose him.

You may ask, why do we have Calvinist jokes on a Yankee Joke site?  Simple.  Calvinists and Yankees have a lot in common. 

First, they believe they are superior to others. They believe they are blessed and you are not.  That they are favored and you are not.  They are intelligent and you are not.

Second, they are arrogant and argumentative. They love to debate you.  They are not interested in you becoming a Christian but are instead interested in converting you to Calvinism.

Third, they love the idea that others are excluded and they are included. That is why they call themselves the Elect.  They parade their election not to save others but to flaunt their lofty status. 

Real Christians are more like southerners.  Kind, honest and humble.  Since we can’t change Calvinists, let’s at least make fun of them.  Now on to the jokes.  Click here for our Calvinism Joke Cartoon.


Before I start I wanted to let you know about a new Calvinist dating site. No need to sign up. Your dates are already selected and you should be getting a phone call soon.  


Did you hear about the Calvinist scoreboard manufacturer?  Their scoreboard posts the final score at the beginning of the game.


What do you call a Calvinist who has stopped taking his medication? A Universalist.


What do you call a Universalist with anger issues? A Calvinist.


Why do Calvinists make great telemarketers? Because they love to tell people they have been pre-qualified.


How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?  None.  It was defective from the beginning and predestined to go out.


Why do Calvinists avoid taxi cabs? Because the driver makes them tell him where they want to go.

Why do Calvinists prefer subways and trains? Because the destinations are all pre-determined.


Why should you choose a Calvinist Realtor? Because they do not believe in a “Great Commission”.


Why do Calvinists have so many kids.  Well.  If you were married to a Calvinist wouldn’t you want someone else to talk to?


Why do Calvinists treat their wives like garbage? They figure that anybody that is stupid enough to marry them deserves no better.


There has been some progress made in protecting Calvinists against discrimination. Massachusetts has just passed a law that states that when two Calvinists are divorced they are still cousins.


Did you hear about the elderly Calvinist lady that fell down a flight of stairs?  She said, “Thank goodness that’s over with”.


Definition of confusion. A Calvinist suicide hotline.


How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? Well, the Calvinists first have to debate whether it is a violation of providence to change a light bulb because maybe it is meant to be dark.  They also have to debate whether one of the elect should stoop so low as to perform manual labor.  In the mean time a Southern Baptist changes the bulb.


A Calvinist father, believing in predestination, put out three objects on the dining room table in preparation for his son’s arrival home from school.

The first object was a stack of $20 bills. “That represents capitalism. If he takes this, he’s going into business.” says the father.

The second object was a Bible. “If he takes this, he’ll be a man of the cloth.”

The third object was a bottle of cheap whiskey. “If he takes this, he’ll be a drunkard!”

The father and his wife then hid where they could see their son’s approach. Soon, the son entered the room and examined each item briefly. He then checked to make sure that he was alone. Not seeing anyone, he stuffed the money in his pocket, put the Bible under his arm, and strolled out of the room drinking the whiskey. The father looked at his wife and beamed, “Well what do you know! He’s going to be an attorney!!”


Why do Calvinists do so poorly on College tests?  They can’t handle multiple choice questions.


Why do Calvinists hate McDonalds?  Too many choices.


What do you call a Calvinist missionary? A figment of your imagination.


How do you confuse a Calvinist?  Take him to a buffet and tell him to get whatever he wants.


What do you call a Baptist with half a brain? A Calvinist.


Why do Calvinist make good audiences at magic shows? Because they will believe anything.


How many Calvinists does it take to screw in a light bulb? It depends on how many are needed to get all the unbelievers out of the room, for only the Elect are given the Light.


What is the difference between a Calvinist and a Terrorist? You can reason with a terrorist.


Calvinist Dictionary

All: The elect.

Everyone: The elect.

Kosmos: Greek word that means “The elect”.

Whosoever: The elect.

World: The elect.


Why did the Calvinist marry a girl named Grace. He found her irresistible.


Why do Calvinists love Facebook so much? Because you can’t get access unless you’re chosen.


A Baptist Man, a Pentecostal Woman, and a Calvinist all die and get to the gates of Heaven.

Peter tells them, “You’ve all done well, but to get into Heaven I am going to need to interview each of you in private to make sure your qualified.”

At this point the Baptist and Pentecostal are sweating bullets. Peter chooses the Baptist to go first. So, they go into a small room and are in there for 6 hours. The Pentecostal lady knows that if the Baptist man is having this hard of a time she really must be in trouble. Finally, after the six hours, the Baptist comes out and goes “Whew, I made it.”

Still, nervous the Pentecostal Lady takes her turn and goes in. After 12 hours the Baptist Guy was starting to wonder if she would pass, but sure enough she comes out and says “Whew, I made it.”

The Calvinist confidently walks into the room and shuts the door behind him. He’s in there for over 24 hours and the Pentecostal and Baptist are really starting to wonder what the heck is going on.

Finally, St. Peter comes out and says, “Whew, I made it!”


See Sarah Palin interviewed by Larry King about Calvinism – CLICK HERE


What do you call a Presbyterian drinking Mountain Dew? A Hyper-Calvinist


So Bill dies and goes to heaven and St. Peter is giving him the tour.

They walk by this group of people hanging out with the Virgin Mary and a couple of saints. “Who’s that?” asks Bill.

“Oh, that’s the Catholics.” St. Peter tells him.

The continue walking and pass another group of people who are rolling on the ground and speaking in tongues. “Who’s that?” asks Bill.

“Oh, that’s the Pentecostals.” St. Peter tells him.

Then they come across to a huge mansion and St. Peter makes Bill duck down and sneak very quietly beneath the windows and then they continue walking. “Who’s in there??” Bill asks.

“Oh,” says St. Peter. “That’s the Calvinists, they think they’re the only ones here.”


All Calvinists are part of the Elect. What are the odds of that? All Calvinists claim that all of their children are also part of the elect. What are the chances of that?   If you were a Calvinist kid wouldn’t it stink to find out you were adopted?


How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? Calvinist answer – Change? What is that?


What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness and a Calvinist? Someone who loves to knock on doors, but then doesn’t know what to say.


Did you hear about the Calvinist who rode in an elevator all day? He felt he had no right to choose a floor so he just went wherever it took him.


What do you call a Christian whose business takes off and makes him wealthy. A Calvinist and one of the Elect.

What do you call a bankrupt Christian? A former Calvinist.


A Calvinist and another man are sitting at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. The man turns to the Calvinist and says “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, providence will carry you around the building and back into a window”. The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The Calvinist says, “I would have to see that to believe it”. “Its true,” the man says. “Let me prove it to you.” He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. He nears the 10th floor and sure enough providence carries him around the building and back into the 10th floor window where he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the Calvinist, who looks quite astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.” “No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, around the 10th floor he is once again carried around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges the Calvinist to try it.

“Well, why not.” the Calvinist says, “I am a fan of providence, so I’ll try it.” He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to his assistant and says, “Superman sure does hate Calvinists”.


Why do presidential campaigns make Calvinists so nervous? They like the idea of an election but just can’t get past the voting part.


Why are there so few children at Calvinist birthday parties? Because they refuse to send out invitations.


Why was the Calvinist held in contempt of court? Because he refused to be a witness.


Did you hear about the Calvinist television talk show host who went broke? His guests couldn’t get a word in edgewise.


A vicious dog attacks a boy and a man standing nearby rushes in, grabs the dog by the neck and kills it. A reporter standing nearby runs over and says to the man. You are a hero. The headlines will read local Methodist man save childs life by killing wild dog. The man says, I am not a Methodist. I am a Calvinist. In that case, the reporter says, the headline will read, “Lunatic kills family pet”.


A Calvinist dies and finds himself  at a crossroads where there are two signs pointing down two different roads. One says in big letters “Predestination Believers” and the other says “Free Will Believers”. Being a Calvinist and believing in predestination he takes the predestination road. He walks down the road and comes to a huge golden door with the word PREDESTINATION written above it. He knocks and an an angel opens the door and asks “what brings you to my door”? The Calvinist answers, “there were two signs and I chose the one that says predestination. The angel says, “You chose it?” “Well then, you can’t come in” And he slams the door shut. The Calvinist is crushed and walks back to crossroads where the two signs are. He goes down the free will road and comes to another huge gold door with the words FREE WILL written above it. Another angel opens the door and asks “What brings you to my door?” And the Calvinist says, “I had no choice !”


We recommend that you choose not to be a Calvinist. Of course if Calvinism is true then you really don’t have a choice. Or do you? Very Confusing.


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